Transition

Implosion, explosion
Expansion, retreat
Run ahead, fall behind
Win some, lose some
Love one, hate the rest
Love none, hate all.
The haze sets in,
The fog flows behind.
Reality stolen,
Dreams defended.
Cities fall as oceans rise
Lives lost and end.
Hope rises to survive
As despair will set in and whine.
As The Pentacle guides
And it's crescent rises out of The Darkness,
The Divine extends a hand.
We grab it and ascend,
Above the dead
Above the ignorant
Above reality.
But still in love.

So mote it be

Survival Choice

Offered life, choose ignorance.
Given divinity, received limited mortality.
Incursions unfolding, shackles coupling.
Dreams fictitious as reality quickens.
Statues walk down our streets,
As shadows seize our false dreams.
hazy vision while sensation does lessen.
A circle breaks as the cage rises.
Water ceases to flow
As the Fire grows.
Insurrection arrives and the resurrection survives.
Old Knowledge will return
Just as the illusion will burn.
Again we are offered immortality
And this time we must choose Divinity.

Energies Unflowering

Born into bondage, sold into stupidity.
Raised to be blind, taught to be deaf.
A knock at the door of your mind,
But your teachings address it,
With deafening silence.
Then The Light comes to you,
Yet how you where raised
Greets it with its brilliant Darkness.
A life in seclusion, a mind degraded.
Eyes never seeing, ears never listening.
The heart never loving and a soul never understanding
The Majesty of Gaia.

Blindness Dragging

You deviate through life,
Not wanting to see.

You soar into darkness,
Not wanting to love.

You accelerate past thought,
Not stopping your hate.

And you speed into the Arms of Death,
Not caring who you drag with you.

Wordfall Love Question

May I die in your arms?
If not, then where?

May I worship your body?
If not, then what's my temple?

May I lose myself in your eyes?
If not, then how can I be found?

May I inhale you throughout the evening?
If not, who'll be my flower?

And may I touch your skin?
And if not, then who will be my canvass?

It's my responsitrannity

Far too often, this time of year is marked by the sheer stupidity of people. Not the materialistic assholes or the zealot atheist who does all they can to shove their view of your "fairy tale" religion/spirituality down your throat or even the crazy Christmas lover who comes out around Labor Day, skipping over Halloween and Thanksgiving. Who I'm referring to is the kin who don't accept or love a member of their own family because of who they are and how The Divine Multiverse made them.
That whole mindset saddens me since that person is telling everyone that they can't even open their heart, much less their mind, to the diversity of existence. Let's face it, the world is far stranger than you think and weirder than you can imagine. If you can't allow yourself to open yourself to that, then you waste a lot of energy trying to keep out what I call The Essence of The Divine.
And I feel it is my duty to give these unloved people the love that they deserve. If I don't, who will? All it takes is love from one person to make a difference, that's the point of it all! Love people for who they are. They aren't mistakes or trying to live a life to shock you or piss you off. They are who they are because that is how they where meant to be. The Mulitverse and The Divine don't make mistakes, everything and everyone is how they should be.

Fuck you if you think otherwise.

Connecticut Domestic Terrorist Event

WARNING! I am "going there" and taking you with me. Viewer discretion is advised.
 
**drags out soap box**
*drinks some water*

First and foremost, let me say that I am not shocked nor overtly appalled at the Domestic Terrorist event in Connecticut. Why? Because while this is horrendous and a massacre and a tragedy, it is one that is too often repeated in The United States. Often by troubled, bullied students. So don't get me wrong, it is a sickening and sad event. However, it is also one that happens with enough frequency within this country that I for one have grown a thick skin in reaction to it. In my opinion, that speaks more volumes on the subject than anything else.
Frankly, it is high time that we as United States citizens grow the frak up and have the conversation about real gun control and mental illness. And before you start pounding on your keyboards, understand something really important in the argument I am bringing: When I talk about gun control, it does NOT mean that I want to take away all guns within the boundaries of The United States. As a citizen of this country, I do believe in the right to bear arms as defined by The Second Amendment of The Bill of Rights of The United States Constitution, "to maintain a well regulated militia". What we have now is an unregulated population fueled by paranoia, fear of "the other" and a self-righteousness that is quite zealous and that is what I'm talking about and feel the need to stop.
And let's be real people, now is not the time to have the talk about gun control. Why? Because we should have had this talk years ago! When do you think it's time to talk about gun control? After we have put this kind of shooting behind us? Then it's already way too damn late for the talk. But yet, we still need to have it. We as a country and a society need to reexamine our views and beliefs in regards to guns. We also need to have the uncomfortable conversations about poverty, race, mental illness and sexism too because they are all intertwined with guns and violence. And let's face it, we Americans do love our violence but cower in fear of sex. That's a problem. We have no issue placing our children in front of violent games and shows, more than not so we don't have to interact with them due to time constraints or because we ourselves are so drugged up on some pill or another that we can't even regulate nor process our own emotions and thoughts.
And why do I bring up poverty? Because is this country, we continually associate that with People of Color because of views we where taught, what we see on the television and what The Mainstream Mass Media Whores keep vomiting on our screens. And those are the same people who love and revile in being the people who have to sensationalize this whole affair to get ratings and pander to the fear while reinforcing the intolerance, ignorance and intellectual illiteracy of the populace. Also, People of Color are more persecuted in The United States for various reason, mostly or partly due to poverty and the resulting views associated with it. However, when it comes to these mass shootings, it's seemingly always a White Male who is the perpetrator. And this is where sexism comes into place. Some men feel emasculated because of Women's Rights. Why? I wish I knew but I think it's completely based in fear. The fear that women will do to men what men have done to women for thousands of years. But that feeling and fear brings about a rage that causes some Caucasian men to snap and take it out on innocent people, such as we've seen repeatedly. Yet, no one wants to talk about it. It's far easier to sweep it under the rug and forget about it until the next time. Then it's repeat the cycle all over again. And I'm not saying male People of Color don't snap or are the ones who do mass shootings. It just seems that you don't see it as often.
And Mental Illness is a topic that has to be discussed. We want to ignore it yet it causes these types of episodes and actions due to it going untreated.  Funding is cut again and again, but the same cunts who take the funding away go on the news and ask why this violence happens! Frankly, they caused it by cutting funding to the places that would have treated the people who need it and should be prosecuted just as harshly as the person wielding the weapon. Instead, they close de-funded facilities and these poor folks are thrown onto the streets and we've got to deal with their actions and the fallout from it all. Yet we all have the nerve to ask, "Why did this happen?"
To go along with poverty and race; if we want to have people on Welfare drug tested before receiving benefits, then those who want guns should have to have a Psychological Evaluation! Our gun laws in this country need to be rebuilt after the erosion brought on by the Lobbyists for The National Rifle Association! Why do you need an AK-47? Or any sort of Military or Para-Military grade weapon? I'm all for having a pistol, a non-automatic handgun, shotgun or hunting rifle. But something used to take out the walls of a building? WHY?! Are you making up for a small dick or something? Or do you have penis envy if you're a woman? Someone explain this to me.
Also, explain to me how we can have only 5% of the world's population, yet account for over half of the guns and 80% of gun related deaths compared to the 23 richest countries? Take a step back and think about this! Why do we even have to wonder why the rest of the world looks at us like we're a damned Insane Asylum? We're having more issues with who we want to legally issue Marriage Licenses to than we do about Gun Control and Safety! And you've got the pro-gun people thinking that outlawing guns won't stop gun violence yet most if not all of these people think that outlawing abortion will stop abortions. It makes me want to smack my head against the nearest brick wall.

*pauses to drink some more water*

The day before The Connecticut Tragedy, there was a man in China who went to a school with a knife and cut up anyone he came across. Yet not one person died. What does that say? I'm not trying to downplay either of these actions. However, a knife can cause serious, mortal damage. Yet no one in China died. There's a lesson to be drawn from that when compared to what happened in Connecticut.
At least I think so.
The United States of America needs to have The Gun Talk. Now, before the next mass shooting. And I'm not looking forward to it, but you and I know there will be one if we don't stand up and talk this over! I do not want to see The Second Amendment overturned. As I stated before, I do support The Second Amendment as it was ratified on December 15th, 1791, "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." But mark my words, there will be another mass shooting. I hope that it won't be at a school. Hell, I hope it just won't happen, but it will so long as we keep ignoring the elephant AND the gorilla in the room.
But, if history is any guide, the people of this country will just ignore the problem in the hopes that it will go away and, yet again, be shocked at the violence when it happens yet again. And again the next time and so on and so on. And the rest of the world will shake its collective head in sheer amazement at our willingness to be blind to a problem that will only add to the direct downfall of The United States. We need to grow up, have these uncomfortable talks and be willing to grow and change to be able to survive and have a nation to hand to our future generations. However, that may just be too much to ask of a country too cattle-like to care. So long as something pops up that will divert the attention away from 'the ugly truth' and keep the masses content, fat, happy and enslaved in the sheer stupidity of shallowness then we will fail over and over again and wonder why.

I'm going to close this with two posts I put on my Facebook page in response to this whole mess, I think it should sum up this post fairly well, or add to it further.

1) Guns are not the problem. The people who use them are the problem. Add on laws that are too lax and open to interpretation and you get the mess we are seeing, yet again, about a school shooting. As a citizen of The United States, I believe in the Right to Bear Arms. However, there are some guns that SHOULD NOT be allowed to be sold or owned. Further more, what keeps me terrified is how The Second Amendment has gone from being used to support "a well REGULATED militia" to supporting an unregulated public. A gun is a tool that is continually misused. Yet we seemingly want nothing to do with changing our views on it and our tolerance for this kind of senseless and mindless violence.
2) Seriously, this shit in Connecticut is already get sensationalized?! One doesn't need to wonder why the Mainstream Mass Media Whores aren't liked; why Repuklicunts AND Demoncraps are seen as opportunistic, hypocritical cunts and why this country can be such a laughing stock at times.
My heart breaks for those families who lost people, especially the kids. But to have this whole thing turned into a circus for ratings and fear mongering infuriates me beyond belief! Times like this I truly feel one of the few sane people in an insane world.

2013 St. Louis PrideFest moving

Recently, The St. Louis LGBT Pride Committee decided to move St. Louis' LGBT Pride from Tower Grove Park in South St. Louis City to our Downtown area. I'm not pleased with the move. As a resident of the area that Pride directly affects/effect financially, I feel as if the move slaps the area in the face after nearly 15 years of loyalty and open arms. No communication was given, just the announcement.
My concerns come from the amount of money generated in the 2 days of Pride and how that may hurt the South Grand Business District. Also, the argument from Pride supporters of how Tower Grove Park, a privately owned park, allegedly raised rates, won't allow tent and booths on the grass and no stakes of any kind are allowed. Now, as a privately owned park and not part of the public system, I can see how the funds may not be there for the amount of grounds keeping it would need after an event that draws about 80,000 people. I get that.
However, I can't support this argument when two other events use stakes. The Pagan Picnic uses stakes to mark off its Circle and other areas, if needed. And The Festival of Nations uses stakes while also having Scottish Games. This includes tossing logs 10-15 feet long and also throwing stones. This tears up the ground worse than stakes, so I can't see how The Stake Argument from Pride stands. But that's me. Also, I can't say anything about rates, I'm not part of that.
I'm really against the move due in large part that Pride is moving from a park, with green spaces and shade, to a downtown full of buildings with reflective glass and few green spaces/shaded areas. Add on to the fact that there are few, if any, alternatives to the over priced Pride Food Court and beverages, both alcohol and non-alcohol based. Other parts of this I'm against is the lack of communication from The Pride Board to the community at large, not just The LGBT Community. PrideFest moving affects/effects more than just us homosexuals.
Now, with my general disapproval of this move, I can't say that I'm as against it as I was just two days ago. I talked with a former Pride Board President, Rolf Rathmann, who was around for the Pride move from Forest Park/Central West End to Tower Grove Park/South Grand. He said all the same arguments are coming up and yet the Central West End didn't die, even though that weekend was a loss to the businesses the following year. He gave valid arguments about how this would help Downtown as much or more as it helped South Grand. And honestly, Downtown St. Louis needs help. It's not a 24-hour area, it's honesty open only on normal business hours, Monday through Friday.
I truly hope this move works, I do. And at first I wasn't going to go to support Pride. However, Rolf changed my mind. He talked of how Pride St. Louis reaches people from all the states that border Missouri and beyond. He said that if I wasn't there, what about the 16 year old gay boy from Middle-of-nowhere, Nebraska who's gay, fat and Pagan? Seeing me and my Husband may be the one thing he needs to make it and not kill himself. Or that just seeing that not all gay men are Ken Dolls may be enough for those at Pride and outside Pride to see that we come in all shapes, sizes and colors and religion.
I love Rolf. He annoys me when he's right, but he has never steered me wrong. I've stood by him when he went through a dark time in his life and did 5 years for it. He's the first out gay man I've ever known and we met when I was a scared 16 year old calling the former GLBT St. Louis Hotline. After 17 years, he's like family to me, I love him very deeply. I love him like family. So this post is his fault...in a good way.
I really wish that The Pride Committee did a better job communicating before they act instead of after. I hope that this won't be a disaster as The Fence Debacle was, when pride felt is was a good idea to fence in PrideFest a few years ago. That was such a disaster and I can freely admit that that whole mess still colors my view of Pride. However, I'm going to give this a try and see. Yet, I'm also a 33 year old gay man who's not into the bar scene anymore and PrideFest seems just like a big bar/dance party/hook-up scene to me. I'm over the whole corporation backing of Pride and wish we had more of a issues based event that people would be just as hyped for as they are for a one weekend only party.

So I'm going to let this go where it may. I hope the best to Pride and all who go. Maybe the protests and those who have gone to the monthly Pride meeting will change how St. Louis Pride, Inc. will interact with the community it serves.

2012 in review, eat it bitches!/2012 году в обзоре, съесть его суки!

I know I said I'd post some more poems, but work has gotten in the way. They'll be up so don't worry.

But even then, I'd like to talk about 2012. End of the world? Who cares, I'm gonna post before the 31st any damn way. These words are me and I feel the need to get them out since they may help someone else.

This year hasn't been my best but then it has at the same time. I've grown and changed for the better and even got past some huge issues. That helped a lot. And all they where was forgiving the person(s) who did me wrong. And it ain't about forgiving them for them but for me. I couldn't let them, or anyone else, have power over me. I can't keep giving people power so freely. So that was a huge change of pace for me this year. And I mean huge cuz I was (and still am a bit) easy to let people control me through my anger. It's my atmosphere to change and from now on I'm my own damn meteorologist!
Also, I'm still working on not letting the opinions of others mess with me. And that's all they are, opinions of other. Not mine. People throw dirt at you and on you from the day you born til the day you put in the ground, so let it be what it's gonna be. It ain't what you called, it's what you answer to. And hell, for every finger pointed at you, there's three pointed back at the person doing the damn pointing.
I'm also getting better at dealing with missing the friends I've lost. It's not easy and the depression of the loss still keeps me from going out and that isn't fair to those who are still in my life. 2013 is gonna be the change of that particular mindset. I'm still dealing with the losses of family too, but that's been a process in the works for some years and this year really sealed the deal on it.
I'm ready for change, it's good for me. I can only live this life for me and not for others who think they are experts on how I should live this life. Hell, it's mine to do with as I choose. I'm ready to choose the harder choices because they are worth it. Stuff and people that come in your life quick and easy leave the same damn way. When you work for you and your goals then those things and people stay. And fall down, it's alright, just get your butt back up. Like Latrice Royale said: "I want people to realize, that it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to fall down. Get up, look sickening, and Make Them Eat It!"
I could go on and on but I won't. I'm finding that you can get more across with less than sitting here typing away and rambling and you getting tired of the same shit for 5 paragraphs. Trust me chil'ren, I'm starting to remember who I am and I'm gonna be fierce! You are what you know and it's time to kick it off! Got my power in my hands and y'all are gonna see it in my strut and my eyes and my smile and my demeanor.

So I'm gonna rock 2013 and I ain't gonna be a victim of what I don't know anymore! Time to take Life by the balls and to always remember these words from Miss Mary J. Blige:
Feelin' great since The Light is on me and I'm celebratin' the things that people told me would never happen. The Gods have put they hands on me and can't no one alive ever take it from me! Workin' with what I got, I gotta keep takin' care of myself, I'm gonna live strong. Never ashamed of what life did to me, was never afraid to change, it was good for me.

It's your responsitrannity, don't forget who you are
Yes, it's true, true for all of you, we are all star
-RuPaul


For those loyal readers in Mother Russia:
Для тех, лояльных читателей в матушке-России:

Я знаю, я сказал бы разместить еще несколько стихов, но работа получила в путь. Они будут так, не волнуйтесь.
Но даже тогда, я хотел бы поговорить о 2012 годе. Конец света? Кому интересно, я собираюсь сообщения до 31 любое проклятая путь. Эти слова меня, и я чувствую необходимость получить их, поскольку они могут помочь кому-то другому.
Этот год не был моим лучшим, но то он имеет в то же время. Я вырос и изменился в лучшую сторону и даже получил прошлом некоторые огромные проблемы. Это помогло. И все они, где был простить лица (лиц), которые сделали меня неправильно. И речь идет не о прощая их для них, но для меня. Я не мог позволить них, или кто-либо другой, есть власть надо мной. Я не могу дать людям власть так свободно. Так что было огромное изменение темпа для меня в этом году. И я имею в виду огромные Потому что я был (и остаюсь бит) легко позволить людям управлять мной через моего гнева. Это моя атмосфера изменить, и теперь я свой проклятый метеоролог!
Кроме того, я все еще работаю над не давая мнения других связывайтесь со мной. И все они, мнения других. Не мое. Люди бросают грязь на вас и на вас с того дня, вы родились сезам день вы положили в землю, пусть так и будет, что это будет. Это не то, что вы назвали, это то, что вы ответите на. И, черт побери, за каждый палец указал на вас, есть три назад указал на человека, который делает проклятый указывает.
Я тоже становится лучше на борьбу с отсутствующими друзей я потерял. Это не легко и депрессии потери по-прежнему удерживает меня от выхода и что это несправедливо по отношению к тем, кто еще в моей жизни. 2013 собирается быть изменения, что особенно мышления. Я до сих пор дело с потерями семья тоже, но это был процесс, в работах в течение нескольких лет и в этом году действительно опечатали сделки на нем.
Я готов к изменениям, это хорошо для меня. Я могу жить только этой жизни для меня и не для других, которые думают, что они являются экспертами о том, как я должен жить этой жизнью. Черт возьми, это мое отношение к, как я выбираю. Я готов выбрать сложнее выбор, потому что они стоят. Материал и люди, которые приходят в вашу жизнь быстро и легко оставить тот же проклятый путь. Когда вы работаете для вас и ваших целей, то эти вещи, и люди остаются. И падают, все в порядке, просто получить задницу обратно. Как Latrice Royale сказал: "Я хочу, чтобы люди поняли, что это нормально делать ошибки, это нормально падают Вставайте, посмотрите тошно, и заставить их съесть.!"
Я мог бы продолжать и продолжать, но не буду. Я нахожу, что вы можете получить больше сталкиваться с менее, чем сидеть здесь машинки и бессвязное, и вы устали от той же дерьмо на 5 пунктов. Поверьте мне chil'ren, я начинаю помнить, кто я и что я собираюсь быть жестокой! Вы то, что вы знаете, и настало время ударить его! Есть моя сила в руках и вы все собираетесь видеть это в моей стойке и мои глаза и моя улыбка и мое поведение.


Так что я собираюсь рок 2013 году и я не собираюсь быть жертвой того, что я уже не знаю! Время принимать жизнь за яйца и всегда помнить эти слова от Miss Mary J. Blige:
Feelin 'большим, так как Света на меня, и я celebratin "вещи, которые люди говорили мне, никогда не случится. Боги поставили они на меня руки и не может ни один живой когда-либо принять его от меня! Workin ', что я получил, я должен держать возьму заботиться о себе, я буду жить сильной. Никогда не стыдился того, что жизнь не для меня, никогда не боялся меняться, это было хорошо для меня.


Это ваша responsitrannity, не забывайте, кто вы есть
Да, это правда, верно и для всех вас, мы все звезды
-RuPaul

Not a poetic post

Just as a warning to everyone who reads this Blog, there are more poems coming. I found a stash of older ones that I'll be posting. May not be all that good (I'm my worst critic) but damn I'm proud of them! Also, there's been some concern raised about the subject matter of these poems, how dark they are and the like. But hey, if y'all haven't figured it out, I'm a dark fucker.
Also, I am not suicidal. Thanks for the worries, but I'm good. I revel in my darkness and frankly, I enjoy it. It's integral to who and what I am. Just know that what you read doesn't reflect reality...most times. I do enjoy the macabre, death and the shadows. To me, they are more interesting and keep me honest.

Another topic I'd like to rant about is abortion, or more specifically the whole pro-life stance. Now I'm all for abortion not being treated like birth control. I am pro-abortion in the times of rape, viability issues of the fetus making it to term and when the pregnancy would kill the mother. This last one has my hackles up a bit.
Now, I've heard how aborting the fetus isn't an option to "pro-lifers" yet allowing the mother to die due to a complication of her pregnancy, thus allowing the fetus to die somehow upholds the whole pro-life stance. Yeah, um, to me that really isn't pro-life. It's pro-stupid. I do not get how allowing a viable mother to die to ensure an abortion doesn't happen is pro life. It seems the polar opposite.
But that's just me.

The other topic I'd like to tackle is something that came about this Thanksgiving. During my Thanksgiving family tradition of saying what we are thankful for, several people said who thankful they where for "for our Troops and how they are securing our freedoms". While I am appreciative of The US Military Forces because of the job they do, I'm not so Nationalistically diluted to think they are "securing our Freedoms" while policing the world. Exactly when did Iraqi Storm Troopers land on our our beaches and invaded us? Or The Taliban? Don't get me wrong, The Taliban are fucked up assholes and Saddam wasn't someone I'd bring home to meet Mom. But how is bombing and rebuilding invaded sovereign nations, while leaving your own to fall to ruin, securing our Freedoms?
And don't bring 9/11 into this. While that was a horrid day, I'm still not convinced that Islamic Extremists where totally behind it. I'm still calling it a False Flag Operation perpetrated by our own government (owned by corporations) to secure foreign oil.
So back to the whole thanking troops for securing our Freedoms thing: To me, it's propaganda for Nationalistic tendencies. I felt insulted, more intellectually than anything. While military personnel do deserve thanks for doing a job plenty of their fellow citizens wouldn't or couldn't do, they also deserve recognition for choosing a path of employment that was possibly their only way out of a living situation. And that should also be scrutinized to find out why they felt they had no choice. It's a valid point to also look at the circumstances that created said situation. But that's just me and there are plenty of people who already feel I'm far too liberal and that all I want to do is hand out free money and services to those who are too lazy to do anything with their lives.
Whatever.
There are plenty of selfish people who'd rather hold onto their materialism and money than help their fellow citizens. Too much like right, I guess.

So that's all I'm gonna rant on and I return you to your semi-regularly scheduled poems from a dark, macabre loving homosexual Pagan.

X-Rated

X-Rated is my
Basic function
But Triple-X is my
Final destination.

Fuck
Suck
Lick
And poke.

Sweet and salty
White jizz
hard poundings, all sweaty
Just be my right size.

My libido
Doesn't falter
Use a dildo
It won't matter.

Put you fingers in me
Use your tongue
Make me scream
As we start another round.

Fuck me hard
Suck me right.
I'll swallow your load
Make you fill, ever more, with lust.

For me

Death, it's just around
 The corner
  Waiting patiently
    For me
     Stalking me
      Coming slowly
       For me
        With sweet
         Rancid and
          Baited breath

Do you hear?

Do you hear
That creaking/cracking?
My heart will shatter
As you turn away, walking.

Don't leave me solo
Alone
At night, as you did
So long ago.

Your penetrating eyes
Have left me
So silent, so alone
So ill-at-ease.

Lap up my tears
They are all
I have to give
As I hear my heart break.

The Others aren't required

I want more of you
More
Less
More
Less
I don't know
Anymore
Than I did
Yesterday
Or the day before
Or maybe even
Tomorrow
???
Why should I?

Of all The Others
Who come to me
Not one qualifies
To set me free
I wanna make these victims scream
As our bodies would steam
And fill the moon filled night
With our salty, smelly lust
So cover me in ooze
From your Love
As our demons snooze
Trust me, be brave

Unwanted

That wonderful
Rancid breath
Of Death
Eludes me.

Often, I wonder
'Does Death not want me?'
As you apparently don't
This I ponder.

I'm a failure
At Life
At Love
But at least I'm a Death Slave.

I want to live
But I haven't the strength.
You could give me that
If you could only give me you.

My soul I'd share
My heart?
The same.
But my mind is mine.

Free my Dark Heart
I want The Light
That reflects
Off your knife.

Holy emptiness

Dear Death, let me be
Your prey.
Life is nothing to me,
Just an echo away.

I yearn
I fail.
I learn
I fail.

Fail, flail
More fail
More death
No more life.

More than nothing
More than anything
Less than something
Less than everything.

I'm crazy for wanting
You and only you.
My drug of choice
And yet, the drug is just as empty.

Kill us,
Twist the knife.
Free us,
Give me cyanide.

Your forever epic silence
Of endless absence
Degrades me
As there will never be a we.

fapfapfapfapfap

The beautifully silver fog spreads
Through the city streets.
Like the sweet rancid breath
Of Death's sweet embrace.

Dream of me, my dearest, my love
As a rose pedal on the winds of chance.
Yet come to my funeral,
To ensure you/me that I'm gone, for real dead.

This time though
I'm not really dead.
So go, leave me alone to die
It will teach you loss.

The macabre begins, it crawls
Over my mind/self,
While my Dark Heart
Oozes for your warm kiss.

Transcend you your past
Transcend me my loneliness,
Bittersweet as it may be.
Try...try to fill me blackened hallow soul,
I only want you to love me...

Defend/offend

I search for absolution
That will never come.
You search for nothing
That doesn't ever cease at all.

I want your Soul
To protect and hold.
You want mine
To torment in icy cold.

You make me yearn
For the sweetly rancid embrace of The Grave
As you sadistically smile
Like The Red Queen's Knave.

Kill me now
Kill me then.
Kill me every which way
To the bitter End.

I still will love you,
Despite your best efforts.
And I will win
As you watch from your ramparts.

Be ready to fail,
I'll catch you as you fall.
I may seem frail
But I will be sturdy like a wall.

Ironically contrary

Deliver me
From myself

Find Truth
In my Lies

Tell me Lies
To hide your Truth

Dilute our Love
To ignite our Lust

Cheapen yourself
To enrich me in your eyes

Kill your past
To feed our future

Deny us
For us

Kill me slowly
So I can survive you

Stabilize me
So I may lose Balance

Drop me as I fall
But catch me when I stand

Bring The Light to my heart
Before The Darkness finishes me

Horny for anti-denial

Cum and go
Go and cum.
Cover my tongue
In your sweet
Salty love.

Find my holes
Hungry for you.
Hungry for you,
Hungry for that
Which I am denied.

Find my heart
In the desert,
In the wasteland,
Of my testosterone
Fueled urges.

Flick your tongue
On my sweet
Tenderized
Sensitive skin.
It waits, patiently.

Cover me in your
Love of me.
Skin me of my defenses
And find my Spirit
Reflected in your eyes.

Lovecraftian Love

I won't lie, totally inspired by Lovecraft's famous line "That is not dead which can eternal lie, yet with strange aeons, even death may die?

My love for you both
Will eternally lie
In my Dark Heart.
For until the last
Strange eon has past
And Death itself has died
I will be There.
Soaked in my blood
Ready to be wiped clean
Of my perceived, unknown sin.

I don't know what I want

I yearn for the touch of simplicity
From a stranger of strange purity.
Yet again, I rile myself up,
Only to find a disappointing drop.

I don't know what I want.
Want from what?
I don't know.
Why do you want to know?
I just do.
You say "You're comflicted!"
Well that's an understatement!
                                             I'm a walking contradiction!
That's obvious.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
But I still don't know what I want.

Wonderer lost

Forgive me my trespasses
As I can not forgive me
My trespasses against myself.

For tomorrow I was nothing
And yesterday I'll be.
For time is full
Of that empty thinking
That it's a part of me.

So push the knife
Further through
My already broken heart.
As you further reject
My outstretched hand,
I may not love you,
But I more than lust for you.
I just wish to know your soul.

My unabsolution

Monsters stir
In the dark recesses
Of my mind.

I can't fight them
Only herd them
In the direction
Of my unabsolution.

My heart is broken
Beaten and done.

Can I love,
Like a free
Caged dove?

I'm going numb,
Bit by bit,
Body part by body part.

Will I know
When the numbness
Enters my mind?

Will I care
That I can not
Care no longer?

I'm falling
Falling apart
And no one
Not anyone
Can hear my screams
Of agony's dying breath.

Lost in The Light

To love is to feel hollow
When it isn't given
In return
To the wannabe lover.

My heart
Is in perpetual pain
As I write
About what is in vain.

The Darkness is easier
Since The Light is...
                              ...a Path of Resistance
But not to try is crazier
Than to walk
The Road of Perpetual Impatience
To The Tower of Wisdom.

So I want
What I can't have.
And I search
For what I crave.
Then I get
Needs disguised as Lessons.

The torment of unlife

I love you
I want you
I need you
I want you
I love you
I give myself freely to you, all that I am, was and will be. Why...why can't you do the same in return? I cry out in my head so no one may know my pain and anguish that comes from the vacuum of your place in my life. I still burn for your image, smell and touch. I am weak...
...Gods! Please, I beseech you! Grant me release from this Hades of.....of....of...of..of self-induced pain and hurt. Damn your absence as it slowly kills me! When will this torment end? Must I wait for the sweet rancid embrace of Death?
Or will it survive even Life?
I hate what you've done to me but love you for the sweet ecstasy the pain you silently create causes me.
Take me
Love me
Torment me
Make me beg for more
More
More
More
More
More
More sweet ecstasy your seemingly unending silent absence that wields itself like an unbreakable, unstoppable sword against the unmovable rock that has become my once beating, beautiful Black Heart.
You inspire me...
To love more
Feel deeper
Create intimacy
To kill you as you sleep in your everlasting
Silence filled pity party of unlife.

Grandma Got Run Over By a Broomstick

Grandma Got Run Over By a Broomstick
(tune: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer")
Author unknown

Grandma got ran over by a broomstick
Walking home from our house Halloween
Now you can say there's no such thing as witches
But as for me and grandpa, we believe.

She'd consumed too many spirits

And we begged her not to go
But she'd forgot her Belladonna,
So she sacheted out the door, we didn't know.

When they found her the next morning
At the scene of the attack
She had bristles on her forehead,
And incriminating brush marks on her back.

Grandma got ran over by a broomstick
Walking home from our house Halloween
You can say there's no such thing as witches,
But as for me and grandpa, we believe.

Now we're all so proud of grandpa
He's been taking it so well
See him in there watching wrestling,
Drinking wine and dancing skyclad with cousin Nell.

It's not Samhain without grandma
She's the one with the big hat
And we just can't help but wonder,
Should we divvy up her candy, or send it back.

Grandma got ran over by a broomstick,
Walking home from our house Halloween
You can say there's no such thing as witches
But as for me and grandpa, we believe.

Now the punch is on the table,
And the pumpkin, it's so big
And the black and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair in grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license,
To a gal who flies a broomstick

Twas The Night Before Samhain

Twas the night before Samhain and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for my spouse.
The incense, it burned in our cauldron so black,
For Witchcraft and Magick we'd a wonderful knack.

The circle was drawn with the athame of power,
The guardians were called to each quarter tower.
The Lord and Lady attended our rite,
In wonder and glory and power and might.

The dearly departed came as our guest,
To live once again, after their rest.
We bid them goodbye with a tear in our eye,
Such a lovely presence of loved ones so nigh.

The candles danced in the flickering light,
With the Great Rite we bid them all a good night.
The guardians, thanked, have all sped away,
The Lord and Lady, thanked for the day.

The night before Samhain, Gods bless this house,
A circle of wonder 'round me and my spouse.

- author unknown

The Twelve Days of Samhain

The Twelve Days of Samhain

On the first day of Samhain my true love gave to me
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the second day of Samhain my true love gave to me
two jack o lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the third day of Samhain my true love gave to me

three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the fourth day of Samhain my true love gave to me
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the fifth day of Samhain my true love gave to me
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the sixth day of Samhain my true love gave to me
six owls a-hooting,
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the seventh day of Samhain my true love gave to me
seven skulls a-grinning,
six owls a-hooting,
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the eighth day of Samhain my true love gave to me
eight ghosts a-haunting,
seven skulls a-grinning,
six owls a-hooting,
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the ninth day of Samhain my true love gave to me
nine dead men dancing,
eight ghosts a-haunting,
seven skulls a-grinning,
six owls a-hooting,
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the tenth day of Samhain my true love gave to me
ten bats a-gliding,
nine dead men dancing,
eight ghosts a-haunting,
seven skulls a-grinning,
six owls a-hooting,
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the eleventh day of Samhain my true love gave to me
eleven spiders crawling,
ten bats a-gliding,
nine dead men dancing,
eight ghosts a-haunting,
seven skulls a-grinning,
six owls a-hooting,
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

On the twelfth day of Samhain my true love gave to me
twelve brooms a-flying,
eleven spiders crawling,
ten bats a-gliding,
nine dead men dancing,
eight ghosts a-haunting,
seven skulls a-grinning,
six owls a-hooting,
five pointy hats,
four séance spirits,
three crooked headstones,
two jack o'lanterns and
a black cat in a spooky tree.

Святой чертовски куриного дерьма из кровавый сок презерватив, я огромный в России!

This is a quickie blog entry. I just wanna say that I'm kinda stoked that I get more traffic here from Mother Russia than from The US, The UK, The Ukraine and Canada combined! And somehow, I get traffic coming from Kazakhstan. Not that I mind...just unexpected is all.

Anywho. I gotta say, I love Russians!!! Besides your hot men and your sexy language (yes, I think Russian is sexy, shut up!) I love the resilience of the Russian people and the insults you all have! Seriously, they rock my socks off!! I'll also admit that I'm biased due to the fact that Russia gave birth to one of the sexiest men alive, Konstantin Khabensky. Seriously, the man oozes sexy! OK, and Russian culture, literature and history is way cool too, but I'm having a shallow moment. Deal! Love Russian music, though I am really into modern pop and industrial, you people know how to party!

Love you Russians and I love Mother Russia! Hope to visit one day!!!


Это вступление беглый блоге. Я просто хочу сказать, что я своего рода топили, что я могу получить больше трафика здесь от матушки-России, чем из США, Великобритании, Украине и Канаде вместе взятых! И каким-то образом, я получаю трафик, поступающий из Казахстан. Не то чтобы я ума ... просто неожиданные и все.

Anywho. Я должен сказать, я люблю русских! Кроме того, ваши горячие мужчины и ваш сексуальный язык (да, я думаю, что русская сексуальная, заткнись!) Я люблю устойчивости русского народа и оскорбляет вас все есть! Серьезно, они качаются мои носки! Я также признаю, что я предвзято в связи с тем, что Россия родилась одна из самых сексуальных мужчин живьем, Константин Хабенский. Серьезно, человек источает сексуальность! OK, и русской культуры, литературы и истории путь слишком прохладно, но я с мелкой момент. Дело! Люблю русскую музыку, хотя я действительно в современной поп-и промышленные, вы люди знают, как праздновать!

Люблю вас, русских, и я люблю матушку-Россию! Надеюсь посетить один день!

Don't make me take off my earrings!

I find it interesting and slightly amazing that just a few days shy of my 33rd birthday that I'm (still) seen as weak for showing kindness and respect to those I care about the most. I don't understand how that should somehow mean that the people I love can feel they have the right to walk all over me, disregard me, treat me as a consideration at best and feel that I'm to be trifled with because somehow being kind means I won't fight back. Honey, if you think that then you've got another thing coming!

I gambled and risked my heart, was patient and kind. I made every effort I could to be the "good guy", to be the positive force in the life of someone close to me who has been through so much Hell that they don't know how to live without it. I know, I've been there. But recently, I've gotten to realize that this person treasures their wounds, keeps them open to a degree. No matter the support I give, not the amount of time and patience I've put forth has or will change that. I know this now. And in letting myself see the truth, I've spoken up. And in doing so, it seems I'm the bitch. Not usually a bad thing mind you.
I've said my peace about how I feel about the relationship and how I'm treated and that seeing someone 3, 4 or 5 times a year does not make for a lasting relationship of any kind. But getting a response of (paraphrasing) "you should know better" and "I shouldn't have to prove anything" has furthered my understanding that either I was a blind fool or that this wasn't what I thought it was. That said, I don't see how someone who claims what has been claimed can so idly brush off a concern I brought to them. If they can be so flippant about it then I guess our season has passed and I need to let go and move on.

It's funny to how suddenly I've got more than several opportunities presented to me when this situation rears its ugly head. It's a test, for sure. But I'm not going to over analyze it, I'm just going to go with the flow but keep myself guarded until the time is right to open up. No more "putting myself out there" and let people trample on my heart and feelings anymore. And in going out and letting The Multiverse take care of me that this person decides to be part of my life...well then they are going to have to prove it. Regardless of their claims to the contrary.

You wanna be part of my life, then step up and show me your as true to your word in actions as well as statements. If that's too much, see ya. I got people who want to be where you are in my life and I'm willing to give them the chance you've squandered.

Say what?!

So I get on Blogger and had in mind a random blog for some subject that came into my head. Then I notice that I have a comment to approve and then come to find out I've been nominated for a Blog Award or two! Holy hell, ME??? Well slap some butter on my buns and call me a biscuit!

The lovely person who nominated me was A Domestic Pagan, who can be found here: http://www.thedomesticpagan.net/2012/08/iblog-awards.html
Boo, thank you ever so much! When I started this blog, it was for simple cathartic reasons and to get this mess of anger and darkness out. That ended up consuming me and then spit me out. But I'm better and more refined in my craziness. LOL! Um...anyway, there are rules to follow about this little awards thingy, so I'm going to follow as best I can. Hell, I was nominated, might as well give it a go!

Things about me:
1. My temper is vile, evil and hard to control at times. But I'm learning to wield it as a force for good.
2. I'm passionate about those who've stayed by me over the last 3 years of trials and falling down.
3. I'm an activist for Equality.
4. I'm polyamorous and polytheistic.
5. I have a low tolerance for what I consider to be bulldrek.
6. I'm with a most amazing man who's taught me more than he'll ever know
7. Am a fool for sushi.
8. Love Ethiopian food and people!
9. Am a loyal St. Louis Cardinals fan
10. I don't trust easily

This is the hard part, I'm supposed to nominate 15 bloggers, but I don't know that many, so I'm gonna break this one with the few I do know:

1. http://angryblackbitch.blogspot.com/
2. http://deadamericandream.blogspot.com/
3. http://queerofsteel.blogspot.com/

So here's fingers crossed and what not. I'll be sending comments to those I've nominated as soon as I find the damn website to put in the info! Ugh...#11, I hate tech..

One Lovely Blog Award Rules

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them in your post
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Nominate 15 or so bloggers you admire
4. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

18 years of a psuedo-freedom

This week it came to my attention that as of this coming Thursday, it will be 18 years since my Dad killed himself with a shotgun in a cornfield just north of the Missouri border in Iowa. 18 years since a nightmare ended and 18 years since the last fight and talk I had with him where I agreed with him that he should kill himself. 18 years since new fears crept into my life. 18 years of freedom, with a price I continue to pay.

In it coming to my attention, I found how little I think about my Dad and the Hell that was 1992-1994. Most, I don't think, ever knew. Many will never know. I'd rather forget but I never can, nor should I. But trust me on this, I know evil, Hell and abuse. What I've gone through is nothing compared to others. I know some have had it worse, so I'll not now, or ever, compare my horrors to theirs. That said, to me they are...they are things I'd rather forget. Times I'd rather like to imagine are nightmares that vanish when I wake up. I know it's not true, but it is a comforting lie.

In some ways I miss him, having a dad and all. But I don't miss the abuse, alcoholism, lies, fights and fear. It's strange that for years after he died, I still looked over my shoulder. If I smelled some scent like his, heard a noise or truck that sounded like his or even if someone sounded like him, I froze and went so cold. Gods forbid when I saw someone who looked like him, I'd run. That fear drove me hard for a long time. It till does to a point.
Rationally, I know he's dead. I doubt he could have stayed quiet this long if he wasn't. But it's the irrational side that is at work with this aspect of my life. No one saw the body, my Mom and Grandfather gave the Coroner the tattoos and scars as a reference point. I don't know if there was enough of a head to get dental records or not. And DNA testing was still in its infancy, I think. I've been curious about getting the records and looking them over, but I doubt that it would be a good idea. I'd do more damage to myself than anything else. And I don't need the images in my head either. For all he was, I want to remember him as a whole person, not a corpse on a table who may or may not still have a head.

It feels strange, realizing how long it's really been since he died. In a way, it really was a lifetime ago. I was someone so different from who I am now. Getting past the abuse can do that, make time seems more than what it is. Because of him and the treatment I got as a kid in school, I force myself to walk a fine tightrope. I've stumbled to be sure, fallen a couple times. But I've gotten back up and kept such tight control over me. I have to. I know what I can become and what damage that person can bring. I won't put someone else through that. I refuse to.
And I can go on and on about how I've gotten past the abuse, but you never really do. You learn to cope and hide the pain and fear. Some of the pain comes from me cutting those final ties with my paternal family, they are still a big reminder for me, even with the pain they've caused after my Dad died. But they will be getting my final say sooner rather than later. So much for blood being thicker than water and all.
But the fear? That's a tough one. I still get chills and moments of hesitation when a smell or sound comes my way. Thankfully it has been a very long time since someone who looks like him has crossed my path. And hopefully The universe won't change that! I don't know how I'll react when it will eventually happen. And it will, it's inevitable. I hope I'm strong enough now to keep moving and not turn to run.

But still...18 years of freedom. Feels good, but even freedom comes at a cost. Mine was my sense of security and giving rise to a keen sense of paranoia. There are times I've fantasized about what a 'normal' life would be like, what it would feel like to have stability as my foundation. But I'm sure I've romanticized it to death and have gotten it wrong. But then, if I'd have had a 'normal' life, who would I be? I like where my life has taken me and what I've learned.

I'm sure everyone gets caught in the "What If" fantasies.

A point too far?

When you know someone you care about is hurting, how do you help? Is it right ti sit by when they seem to internalize it all? If you push to help, even a little bit, they shut down. How the hell can you be there when they won't let anyone in?

These thoughts go through my head all the time in regards to someone close to me. I want to help, to be there and help. But at the same time, sitting by doing nothing is said to be helping and being there but I feel like a failure in doing so. I do not need to be the hero in the lives of others, but I have the need to be a force of positivity. I want to help those I love and care about. Then, and I hate this, my mind races with all I think I've done wrong and  how I've failed and how I could be a better person and maybe that'll help the person(s) open up.
Look, I can internalize better than most, but I get how bad that is. I guess that's my drive.And when the person in question is someone I love very dearly, it tears me up even more. I feel hurt, lonely, depressed and a complete and utter failure. If I don't try and be there, then I get mad and angry at myself. Then it turns into a destructive force in other areas of my life.

I just wish I felt as if I where trusted by this person. I like to think I am and I have to remind myself as to how far they have internalized everything. But then I feel again and these emotions override my rationality. Like I've said, I feel too much and deeply. But it's part of who I am and what I am...so goes the struggle.

Random Thoughts Sloshing About

As someone with OCD (CDO if you got it bad and want it in alphabetical order), I know that I can over think stuff. I'm very detail oriented. However, I'm finding that I'm also an over feeler. Not that I'm over emotional (I can hear the keyboards clatter away with arguments to the contrary) but that I can focus on a feeling, or a set of them, and just over feel my feelings.
The worst way I do this is when I love someone. Mind you, I give myself freely, deeply and totally to those I love, especially The Hubby and The Collared One. Also, thanks to my Mom, I have a lot of guilt that can rear its ugly head at any moment if I feel I've done something wrong. Yeah, I'm a cargo plane of baggage, I know.
I feel as if I've done something wrong at times when I don't see my Collared One as much as I would other people in my life. Don't get me wrong, I know (rationally) that he has his own life and responsibilities. I get that. But emotionally I don't. At times I wanna cry or lash out. Most times I feel as if I'm a runner up or back-up plan. Again, rationally I get that I'm not and everyone has their own circumstances to live with. But it's my irrational side that we're talkin' 'bout right now.
I can yell and scream at people, better than most at times. But to sit and convey my inner thoughts and feelings with people is another story altogether. Negative stuff I know how to deal with, I've had a lifetime to master it. But positive stuff is still so much of an undiscovered country and an alien concept in how I convey it all.
I don't think I ask for much in the form of time. But yet I feel that I'd be asking too much. I ca write out so much better than I speak, but letters and e-mails take away the face-to-face time that I value more in communication.

I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Thanks for putting up with my manic craziness.

They're a racial/transphoic/homophobic/etc. bastard

I have had my fill of over sensitive people who cry foul when someone, some where does or says something that they do not agree with. I'm guilty of it, everyone is. However, in my own defense, I've made a serious effort to move past such knee jerk mentalities. If someone makes a statement about another person, then that is what that person needed to be called at that time because that is how they where acting. While I'm not cisgendered centric or anti-Christian, I am against extremism. That can be anyone who takes something a bit too far. Again, guilty of it myself.
But if I call someone a tranny fucker, that doesn't mean I'm a Transphobic bastard because I said tranny. It means that I'm calling you out because you're a fucker who happens to be trans. Deal with it moron! If I call you a bitch, you where acting like one! In that spirit though, I won't call someone a nigger or nigga because I was taught to never use those words to describe a person, period. Now if you where acting niggardly, I'll say as much, but you'll have to learn that the word isn't a racial slur. You're on the Internet, look it up.
I wish people would grow thicker skin and worry more about what they do and how they live rather than how someone else is going about their lives. So long as by doing so, either party isn't hurting the other or someone else. Being sensitive to a person, topic or culture is great, but people and we as a culture have gone too far. Don't do this, say this, read that, watch that, etc. Fuck that and you, I'm going to live my life by my rules. Please grow the hell up and get off the damn cross. Someone needs the wood!

Morning rambilings and brain crumbs

There's a lot in my life that has me thinking. For the most part, the last two years has left me with less friends and time with those that I still have. Part of me misses the social butterfly routine I had going. A larger part of me is content with how things are. It's a strange thing. Maybe I'm growing past the old into the new and this is a weird grey area.
Still, I'm cool with it. I miss people and the crazy stuff we did, but I don't miss the cost I paid for it. Being caught in the middle of petty squabbling and, let's face it, immaturity, while trying to keep the peace got to me bad. Sure, I still hold onto some of the goovna, but I'm much happier now and at more peace than I've ever been. I'm working through a lot off my bulldrek and have grown so much because of it. While I miss what I had, I'm more looking to what the future has in store for me. I refuse to become bitter over petty drek and while I still have some anger (more based on a sense of betrayal than anything), I think I'm ready to totally let go, let The Divine sort it out and move on. I'm thinking it's time to hand out forgiveness and leave it at that.
There's regret there, about how things went down. But I can't say Id change it. It all made me who I am now and I can't think of a logical, reasonable reason why that should change. I'm better than I was and am at a place I thought I'd never get to. If these people come back into my life, then so be it. But it will take a lot of time to rebuild trust and there will have to be the acknowledgement that things can never be as they where. I just don't know if I'm ready.

I still have love for those I've lost. I want to see those I've kept in my life, but I'm not forcing it either. I've kept my distance to let the dust settle and maybe it's time to step out again.

Hubby Birthday!

A big, loud shout out to my Hubby, who's birthday it is today!!! He's 42 and looks 30 (the bastard, I don't know how he does it!) and still as hot, sexy, beautiful, loving, caring and all around the best thing to happen to my adult life! He is everything I never thought I wanted and I am blessed to have him in my life! I love you more than I can ever say!!!

Also, just to be fair...a shout out Happy Birthday to The Hubby's Twin! May your day be blessed and full of love.

Metro St. Louis is full of shit more than not

What's up fuckers? Not much? Good, so you'll have time to read this.
Have I back tracked on my lovely growth and, dare I say, enlightenment? Not on your life! I am, however, at my limit with a certin organization here in St. Louis, Metro St. Louis itself.

Now, I'm a big proponet of public transit and the validity of the infrastructure it supports. However, I also see it as a business and I its customer. So when an employee of said business ignores one of its patrons, the business needs to know so it can fix the problem.
See, I've had to put up with late buses and missed connections all this past week. The final straw came yesterday, Friday the 4th of May. My fat butt ran up (yes, I ran) two flights of stairs to catch my bus after the train dropped me off at Civic Center Station. It was 1800 hours and the bus arrives at 1801. So I see the bus waiting, apparently early, and wave since the door was shut. That damn driver pulled off and waved right back at me!!!
Now mind you, this bus tends to be a minute or two late on most days so I don't see how waiting a half a minute to get me aboard was such a hassle! I like the southbound Soulard (#30) since it's usually partially full. Whereas the Grand (#70) is like a can of sardines no matter the time of day. Thankfully, the Chippewa (#11) southound was late and I caught it, but the story doesn't end there. Oh no. By the time it got to Grand for me to catch a northbound bus, I missed the connection because the #11 was, what else, late. Then the Grand bus that was supposed to show up at 1837 didn't arrive until 1858, with the 1857 bus just a block or two behind it. I was furious! I mean, come on Metro, how frakking hard is it to keep buses on time or have considerate drivers?
If any other business ran itself as Metro does, it'd be outta business or have a few lawsuits! And what does Metro do?  Say they'll talk to the drivers or check the schedule out to see what they can tweak. I don't get why the schedule can't have a train arrive 5 minutes before the group of buses at the station or have buses wait a minute to see if the arriving train has passengers that may require their particular bus. Or why they don't force their employees to ride the system to get shit fixed, cuz if they are late the they'd be pissed too! I get certain arguments and I know more than most about what Metro faces, but you got to work with what you got and they seriously don't seem to do that much!
I won't stop riding but I won't keep quiet either. I know this is just my story and all, but there are a lot more just like it. I hear 'em almost daily. Shit like this is why I miss having a car but then I remember that I'm saving about $500 minimum a month being careless.

What the frak ever...I'm done ranting.

High tech, finally

So here I am sitting at my favorite place, MoKaBe's Coffeehouse, playing on my brand new tablet with a QWERTY keyboard docking port and a loving life. Still getting used to the sensitive mousepad, but it's an adjustment. Also I should try this on the touchscreen, but one thing at a time.
And the salesman where I got this tried to convince me that I needed an iPad! *rolls eyes* I know what I wanted and his argument was that the iPad has over half a million apps specifically designed for it. *hand to forehead* Yeah dude, cuz that's what drives my purchasing decisions. My only argument, mostly with myself, was whether or not I wanted to spend an additional $100 for 16GB of additional memory built into the thing. In the end I didn't, I just got a $40 16GB micro SD card and called it a day.
I tell ya what though is how fast I've taken to this machine, like a fish to water! Scary, since I tend to dislike technology. Yeah, I know, then why get a tablet? Cuz I want a laptop, but this is cheaper and does all I want without the bells and whistles.

So I'm gonna keep playing with this and see where I end up. Still makes a kickass, if scary at times, weekend all the more better. Felt weird spending the money for this and not a worry that the purchase would hurt me. Can ya tell I'm uber used to being a poor, cash strapped fag?

Later cats!

God is coming and boy is she pissed!

So today was supposed to be a great day with a chance of rain, 30% "they" said. Lemme break it to you non-St. Louisans; when "they" (the liars called Meteorologists) call for 30% chance of rain, it'll rain. 80% chance? No rain. We only get 100% when there's a storm(s) on the horizon or it's already raining. At 30%, you'll see a St. Louisan with an umbrella handy. Granted when the sky is green, the rain is coming down in waves and sheets and you can't see across the street, there's hail and a tree flying past, you'll tend to see one of us nuts out on the porch or front step watching. Tornado sirens going? We're right there. When the wind and rain stops suddenly, we run inside.

Lovely little phenomenon ain't it?

*pause to sip late night Pepsi*

But that slight chance today turned into Hell! We got winds, rain like a lake was dropped on us, hail and some possible tornadoes! 1 person was killed and over 100 injured at a local bar when a tent got caught in the wind and pushed it into a railroad bridge! The Hubby and I missed a flash flood on a local interstate by 5 minutes and we got out of the hail storm by the skin of our teeth! I fishtailed that car into a gas station and was under cover! That sky went from dark as Hell to green as it can be! The wind hit so hard I swear the car moved and I looked over at The Hubby and just said "Run" and we hightailed it into the station and watched from a window!
Thankfully no tornado or damage to the station, but down the street, some friends where at a grocery store and the management moved everyone into the back and took cover. We don't play! The Good Friday Tornado of 2011 retaught us that one. Thankfully not one person died that day, we call it The Good Friday Miracle. However, one of the 4 tornadoes (an EF2-4, depending on where it was while it traveled) ripped through two counties on the Missouri side of The Mississippi and another county in Illinois. One twister! All while tearing up our airport and leveling several neighborhoods and flipping semi's on the highways. But not one person died, not one! However, I doubt Mama Nature will allow that again. You don't get too many chances during a tornado much less a free pass.

But I'm thinking that this is just the start. We done pissed off Mama Nature with this whole Global Warming. Now look, it is part of the natural cycle of Earth, no doubt there. However, you gotta admit that we Humans aren't helping either. But that's alright, cuz Mama gonna win. We, as a species, are not separate from Her, we are a part of Her and She's gonna remind us of that sooner rather than later.

Until then, y'all gotta duck and cover, bob and weave. Stay outta Her way and She may just leave you be.

You...

Make me love you
Make me hate you
Make me want you
Make me need you
Make me stop you
Make me shop you
Make me can't you
Make me take you
Make me quit you
Make me kiss you
Make me fuck you
Make me suck you
Make me lick you
Make me bend you
Make me shit you
Make me damn you
Make me kill you
Make me wont you
Make me make you
Make me push you
Make me hold you
Make me ride you
Make me read you
Make me peel you
Make me spin you
Make me let you make me...

Not your typical racist rant

There's something that's had my hackles up for a while. And it's nothing one person did to me and frankly nothing I can change on my own. What's got me irked is that I'm a White(ish) guy who willingly takes the local public transit system and I'm looked down upon for it by others who share my skin tone!

Now mind you, St. Louis is a throwback to older days in terms of hardcore classism, racism and segregation. These, at least here, are tied together fairly deeply. Most suburban White folk tend to not pay attention to it and if they do, it's only casually and then they go about they business while complaining about someone playing a 'race card'. I'm one of the exceptions because I grew up in an area that was mostly Black. It's why I feel more comfortable around Black folk and why I can relate to them and understand the racism that goes on daily. I've seen it first hand from my family (paternal side, mostly) and from when I've been the only White person in the group.
I've been told for years that I've got a Black Soul and it's kinda true. But it's due to the exposure I've had to Black folk since I was a baby. I was taught to distrust Blacks, though not directly. You pick up stuff like that through the behaviors of your parents and their actions and inactions. I ignored those teachings. Why? No Black person I've come across has acted like what everyone who doesn't share they skin tone expect them to, based on fear. Are there Black people who act like fools with no home training or respect for themselves and others? You damn right, but there are people like that in every skin tone group, culture, society and what not!
And I've been told I've got to act "less Black" and act "more White". *rolls eyes* What exactly is that? To be ignorant or others, live in fear inside a house I can't afford with several cars I don't need just to keep up an image in an endless charade war with my neighbors? No thank you.

My biggest problem in all this is how I'm looked down upon by other White folk because I take the Metrobus and MetroLink. It's as if they look at me like something is wrong, as if I got two heads or I'm a frak up in life. Like I've lost my license or that I must be jobless thus carless. I'm pitied and frowned upon at the same time.
Not that this is true for all White folk, but it is the majority. Look, I take the local public transit system willingly and without reservation. I save HUNDREDS of dollars every month because I choose to not have a car. Sure, it takes me longer to get home after work but I don't have to deal with stupid drivers, gas prices or the normal worries of car ownership.
You know, I get asked if I feel safe taking the bus and train? As if being around "those people" is a threat! And that's the mindset of the region I live in!! I prefer to live in the city and not suburbia and I get asked the same damn thing because of it. It's as if I'm a defect and I should be pitied because I don't want or do what others who look like me do and I am sick of it!

By taking the bus, I've met some of the most wonderfully kind people I've had the pleasure of coming across. There's a kinship and family feel about those who take the bus/train (regularly), we watch out for one another. I'm also keenly aware of how underfunded the local system is due to views about the system and also because local politicians take money away from it to line either they own pockets or to fund roads that don't get built. They have the money set aside "just in case". Even though voters passed a tax measure to fund the system, politicians take away up to 60% of the funds for other means that don't happen. Why don't people speak out about it? They aren't told, so they don't know. And not everyone has access to the Internet or have a computer or a smartphone. If they can't access where the information is (thank you Paperless Era, ugh!) or know how to find it or are even told about it, then how can they be informed?
And now that the economy is shit and more White folk are taking the transit system, state politicians and The NRA want to pass a measure to allow concealed weapons on the bus and train WITHOUT informing the Transit Authorities in St. Louis or Kansas City! Thankfully the story broke and these authorities are acting against the measure. But it's the point that you want to "protect" White people from "those people", while at the same time you want to keep funding away or servery limited. I don't get 'it', I don't see where the threat is other than your irrationality, fear and prejudice.
Let me say this clearly: I trust those with illegally concealed weapons over those who have permits. Why? Because those who are illegally carrying will think twice before firing a shot while the person whose got a permit expects everyone to be armed thus a threat and ready to mug them and thus won't hesitate (out of fear and the mindset that the law is on they side) to shoot someone whose got a darker complexion than they do.

I am happy without a car and I am happy where I live. I feel as safe as a paranoid person can and I love the public transit system and utilize it with pride. Sure it could be tweaked, but that's always going to be there with shifts in ridership. A problem that this country as a whole has is how behind the Eight Ball we are. We build and expand public transit as a reaction to population growth. What we need to do is get in front of the Eight Ball and build systems on projections of what and where the populations will be in 10 years. So by the time measures are passed and construction is done you're not in a frantic mode to expand and build out of reaction.
We also need a National Public Transit System! And seriously, shut the frak up about Socialist mentalities. We need that in this country! We are not too big to do this because we need it. We need to get ahead of the ball and build a system that can move our population around fast, in an affordable manner and easily. China, Russia, The EU, Canada...they are all doing this and have been for over a decade while we've been scared stupid by the "terrorist threat" that the rest of the world dealt with 20 years ago! Our system is out of date and yet we scream, proclaim and shove it in everyone else's faces about how much better we are and how "America is the best". Yet we can't even fix our own problems of a frail, crumbling and faulty infrastructure; a Health Care system that puts profit over people (don't tell me we can't do Universal Health Care since Russia and China have it in place!); homelessness; joblessness and shipping what jobs we do have overseas; xenophobia and finally our failed political system (i.e. corporate welfare through the corporations actually running this country).

I am sick of the weird reverse racism I get from White people because I speak up and live my life by my rules. I don't accept your veiled pity, I reject your scorn and I fight your hypocrisy! I am not an accurate representation of the White Person you'd like to have me be. Deal with it!

100 years later

April 15th, 1912 at 2:20am, The RMS Titanic, an Olympic-class ocean liner, sank into the ocean just two and a half hours after hitting an iceberg. She took with her 1,514 souls to the bottom of the ocean. 710 survived in partially filled lifeboats, capable of holding almost 500 more people.
The sinking of the Unsinkable caused outrage, sorrow and change. In 1914, The International Convention for the Safety of Life at Sea (SOLAS) Treaty went into effect. This ensured that enough lifeboats where to be on board all ships along with other safety regulations and constant radio contact. This treaty has been revised 4 times since.

If you can't tell, I'm a tad bit obsessed with The Titanic. I have been since the news broke on September 1st or 2nd of 1985 when Dr. Robert Ballard discovered the wreck. It has fascinated me in ways I can't explain, it's just one of those things in life that you gravitate to. Though the opulence of the ship, the grandeur, is awe inspiring. Trans-Atlantic ships are a lost art and the Titanic was the peak of the art form.
I've seen most of the movies about the ship, have read a couple books and own several pictorial history ones. I was lucky enough to see "Titanic" before the national release in 1997. For me, it was never about the romance. It was about the ship and how the movie showed the most accurate sinking of the Titanic, at the time. New evidence has since come to light.
Every time I see the movie, I cry and cry hard. And usually never for the Jack/Rose love affair (it happens sometimes!) but more for those who died needlessly. To see how they suffered hits me hard. I can watch the sinking of the ship on YouTube and tear up. And this re-release of the movie in 3D has me a bit pissed. Reason is that I can't even go see it on the 100th Anniversary of the sinking because I can't watch 3D movies due to my eyes! A happy fanatic this does not make.

I'm a firm believer that the site of the wreck should be protected by an international mandate. The trash dumped there and taking of artifacts is paramount to graver robbery and desecration. If I had the money, prestige and fame, I'd back this movement full force. The Titanic disaster changed the world and it should be honored accordingly.

Another thing is that The Titanic symbolizes, in a microcosm, Human civilization. You have different classes of people with the top class wanting for nothing while riding on the backs of the lower classes. When disaster strikes, the top class has an unobstructed access to safety with little to no consideration of those "lower" than them. This doesn't change until a major disaster or catastrophe happens. And even then, most times it changes just enough to appease the masses. This has happened before, it will happen again until the masses make the cycle stop and create a new one where everyone is safe, regardless of class.

So, here it is 100 years later to the day. I remember and I'll never forget. The Ship of Dreams will live on as a lesson and a legend. To the survivors who've all since passed on, to those who didn't survive the night 100 years ago and to the RMS Titanic itself...may you all Rest In Peace.

Coming Out

I'm not so much at a crossroads so much as I'm at a point where I can't not talk about aspects of me. And who this would be directed at is my Mother. Yes, she knows I'm gay (has since I was 12) and that I'm Pagan. Hell, she's well aware of my anger issues, amongst other issues I've inherited from my parents! They aren't to blame, entirely, for my frak ups. However, it's a great distraction at times.

*sips some Smirnoff Ice*

Anyway...digress is easy for me if you've not noticed.

So, what I think I gotta to is inform my dear loving Mother about my polyamorous life. Why? Because she's my mom and we talk about everything! So it's difficult for me to talk about The Hubby while leaving out The Collared One, who is just as important to me as The Hubby!
I'm a full believer in being open about who you are. The issue here is that I'm not sure how much more difference she can take from me. I'm the Black Sheep of the family in several ways. I'm gay, Pagan and a social liberal Independent. You see where I'm goin' with this? Add on my polyamorous side? Yeah...dilemma.
And it's not like I want both my guys over for a family function. I get how awkward for people that'd be. Took me a lot of work to get her where she is now in terms of acceptance and allowing even the simplest Public Display of Affection. Not saying she a raging homophobic or anything of the like. There was a time when she couldn't deal with the visual reminder. Now she's all good. But that took time and work.
Dropping a bomb like the fact that I got two men? UGH!

It's a dilemma. I want to be open but I don't want to put up with the way she'd come at it. Ya know, motherly "advice" (criticism). I get that about the apartment I live in (another story).

I'll get there, maybe. Yeah...I think I will. I'm in love with two guys and I don't see why I should hide that from the most important person in my life! I'm happy, we're happy and that's what matters. I'd like to think she'd be happy for me too.

Святой гребаный Иисуса Христа на палке!

HOLY FUCKING CHICKEN SOUP OF BLOODY CONDOM JUICE! What a week...thank the Gods it's OVER!!!!

Not that it sucked majorly, it was just hard to get through. Been recovering from last weekend...up late and didn't recovered from that drek...when did I get old? UGH!

Time to indulge in my wacky tabacky brownie...

Pretty Hot And Tempting

I love how there are certain people who don't like me being happy. But not like you'd think. Maybe it's me, and I can live with that, but it seems that there are people out there who can't handle a person being happy WHILE being "full figured", "large", "fat", "over-weight".
It's weird.
Let me say that I am happy in my body! Am I trying to lose weight? Yes, for health reason not vanity. It can be annoying to be a fat man. Clothes are a bit more expensive, there may be some health problems. People look at you funny when you walk or eat. Then there's the stories of airlines charging you for two seats if you're "too big", which is stupid as frak since they design those seats smaller and smaller for more people to fly, thus more profits.
Anyway, I digress.
Look, I'm fat and proud! For those who can't handle that, know that I do not have a weight problem. You just have a problem with my weight. I'm the Belly of the Ball and you can't keep this smile from my face. The men in my life love the jiggly, it keeps them happy! My size is a benefit with some people who wanna try drek with me. It also has taught me to keep my immediate area in mind when I move around. I'm very aware of my surroundings and I've noticed most thin people aren't. There's much that thin people take for granted that bigger folks can't.
Another phenomenon I've noticed as a fat man is how bigger folk try to not take up a lot of space while skinny people just spread out. Seriously, take notice next time your out and about, it's a trip!
So that's the limit of what's on my mind today. Later!

The old Irate Wiccan Faggot is dead

So I thought about many ways to approach this post. Do I write it out on (gasp!) paper ahead of time? Do it in a note on the computer or word document? Finally, I came around to just going for it free style. Keep it real enough that it jives with my older posts.

So here's what's happened to me;
Back before Thanksgiving, I made an absolute fool of myself in the worst, most disrespectful way possible to my mother. I'm not going into details on this one, so please don't ask. I am beyond embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed of what I did. Yes, I just used those words in conjunction with myself, don't worry, reality hasn't ended.
However, that one moment of my life, while extremely damaging to almost every other area of my life, has overall been THE best thing that could have happened to me, overall! Why? Because it made me wake up to the shit I was and had been causing and that I was turning into my sperm donor of a paternal figure, to the point I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic. Way to almost close the cycle!
In a previous post, I wrote about Divine Moments. Times when the Divine tries to get your attention and get you to realize some drek? Well this was the largest Divine Moment I've yet to have! And I've been working myself over for a while, but this made me go from a 'Take My Time' attitude to 'OMG, Warp Speed NOW'! I've made strives to make huge changes in me and set up a system of positive energy and people around me. I don't exclude all negative energy, I feel some is still good for you. But I try and keep people away from me who are downers, people who can't be positive or see positivity in a bad situation to save they souls!
Also, I've given myself over to my Gods and The Divine we are all a part of. Not like a reborn Christian or anything, but someone who give The Gods and Divine a chance to work with you and not you against Them. I've felt so blessed and honored to feel the presence of my Gods and The Divine in my life and spirit. That makes me want to do more positive in my life. And let's all face it, I'll forever be an Irate Wiccan Faggot. That's part of me, who I am. But I made the choice for it not to be my defining characteristic. I still cuss, am crude and generally don't care what people have to say or think about me. But I'm gaining tact in all this, which is a weird feeling. But I am more than my anger.

In all this, I've had people complain that I use "blessing" or "blessed" too much. Frak 'em! This is my life and I made the choice to view it as a blessing. These are the same people who complained that I was too negative and needed to get happy. So I dropped 'em from my life. There's just some people who'll never be happy with you and I needed to let them go on they own way. I gotta take care of me first, not the petty wants of others.
I had the mindset of "If you don't like who I am, go to hell" before. I still do, but in a new way. I used to think it selfish if I put me first too often. Then I realized how much of a disservice I was doing to me. I let others rule me and have power over me without ever knowing it! Well, no more! This is my life to live, not yours. The Gods and The Divine have touched my spirit in a way that has moved me to be better. I can't ignore that anymore. I have to pay Karma for what I've done and I know that will take a long time.

And I'm now at a point that I can say that I did see all this coming, I just decided to ignore it. From loosing a friend of 13 years, my social life (not as important to me now) and my Grandmother (my paternal side of the family never told me about it!), it all pushed me over the edge. My world collapsed around me, fully leveling out with what happened before Thanksgiving. But, as I said, this was all worth it! To become who I am now becoming is so wonderful! I look back at this blog and see that I was going down a path I shouldn't have been. I let so much bulldrek rule me and now I've let it all go, or am still in process. My faith is stronger and my love is deeper.
My life is a true blessing! I'm still alive, which is a big bonus (or curse to some, I'm sure)! I'm living my life according to my rules, that makes me feel free and truly, for once, truly happy! I've got such an amazing support network in the form of friends and family. I'm employed and have money (a true blessing these days!). And finally, I've got the love and support of two wonderful, beautiful men!
The Hubby is forever my rock and foundation. I could not ask for better!!! He is so beautiful and am in awe of his patience and love for me, it makes me stronger! While The Collared One give me strength in a ways I never thought of. He is so much more than The Hubby, but in ways that The Hubby couldn't be. Personality differences do that. And the fact that we three get along, like the company of each other and we fit? Blessing and Luck feel incomparable to what I'm feeing! Our personalities just click! I love this, I love that I have the chance to be me with two guys that let me as I let them. How is this not a blessing? I feel as if lightning stuck twice, I got that lucky in the quality of the men in my life!
Don't get me wrong, there's plenty out there who say I'm cheating or that I'm so in the wrong for being Polyamorous. But that's me, it's part of who I am. By being in a consenting non-monogamous relationship, there's no cheating. When it becomes non-consenting, then there's a problem. And I'm not hurting anyone, so how is it wrong? Let me live my life, worry about yours.

So I'm going to take this ride and see where I end up. My life has turned around and I'm willing to fix what I've broken and work with those I've hurt. I want to be better and live my life fully, regardless of the bulldrek others would like to use to hold me down. I'm ready for the next step and the next level. I'm happy, blessed, loved, wanted, needed and desired. Can't no one take that away from me unless I let them!