Drunken epiphany

So I'm sitting at home drinking to forget an up and down week that was mostly down, especially towards the end. However, as I sit here on my 5th or 6th Smirnoff Ice I've hit an epiphany thanks to a friend. She posted on Facebook "We accept the love we think we deserve" and that hit me at the right time.
I tend to be that person that puts people on pedestals and look to them for my fun and entertainment during my free time. I can go out and do for myself, but I admit now that I look to others more than 70% of the time for ideas on what to go out and do. And I need to change that. And I can't fit how love works into that, other than my Third, but it made me see things clearly. And I need to be more of my own influence. I have to get up and do for me. Not just a once a year vacation out of town, but every day, every weekend.
Losing Patti and all that drama really put me into a funk that I'm slower to get out of than I thought at first. But getting out of it I am. Time is a bitch a lot but it's also a teacher and walks with you. Time is also harsh in a way that we need it to be. And in time I'll get where I need to be, but I'm still struggling and staggering. Soon, I hope, I can apologize to those I've ignored. And that has been unintentional, I've kept myself behind a wall of protection that I need to rip out. I've kept me sheltered to keep me safe. And I need risk again, safe and sane risks, but risk none-the-less.

I'm tired of fear, self imposed exile and this sheer illogical bullshit I've put me in the middle of. I still have convictions and the constitution to stand by them and the attitude to fight for me. But I can know how and when to back down. I'm my own worst enemy and critic but my best chance to be who I'm meant to be. And it's time to do so.