Uninformed death

So it's been about two-three weeks since I found out my Grandmother on my father's side died. Here's the thing, I didn't find out until two weeks after she died and I only found this out because my cousin from California posted her obituary on Facebook! He didn't know either and he does a lot of family genealogy, so it goes with his work. And let me say that in no way am I upset with him for informing me, he thought I'd be upset with him or something. He apologized for being the one to inform me. I thanked him for it, since I at least know. He is all sorts of cool for it and with me. He rocks.

I can't even get out how pissed I am. How betrayed I feel. Yes, I haven't had any contact with my paternal side of the family in 10 years and I know that people will say "Tough it up, you never called them" or something like that. Well they have my number and can call me whenever they like. But they don't call me, ever. In the 31 years I've known these people they've not called to check up or anything. I have the feeling that they no longer want me around anyway for several reasons;
I'm gay.
I'm Pagan.
They don't like my mom too much and take that out on me and my brother.
Oh, and I had it out with my Grandfather before he died.

Hell, these fuckers couldn't call me when my Great-Grandma died! Or when Grandma had breast cancer AND shingles! And all that happened at the same time and my bro and I didn't even find out until SIX MONTHS later!

Now, I have got to give my little brother major credit. A few months ago he went and spoke to my Cunt, I mean Aunt, Linda. Her excuse for not calling when Great-Grandma died? You never call. Seriously?!?! The fucking phone works two ways, has for years! Brother and I have just come to the mindset that that side of the family is dead to us.

Now, not our Uncle Danny. Technically he has no blood relation to us, he's Grandma's son from her first marriage and my Grandma married Grandpa after his divorce. Linda, my aunt, is really my half-aunt and Grandma is...was my step-Grandma, though I never considered her that since I've only known her as Grandma. Danny has always been so kind. He is separate from the rest of this hot mess that's my paternal family. And I need to find him.

However, I have yet to have a good hard cry over Grandma. I'm still so pissed that at times I wanna just go to Linda's and have it out with her. But I'm thinking she wants that. And as much fun as it would be to go toe-to-toe with her, it wouldn't bring back Grandma or fix anything or even stop the pain. I know that. I know it wouldn't end well and I don't want to give her what she may want. Yet I am so pissed and hurt over this that I'm not sure what to do.

I've lost my Grandma and wasn't told. Not for two weeks! I was denied the proper chance to say good-bye. I've been to the grave and said my peace and I need to go back and leave flowers as a final good-bye. More for myself, yes I know that. But there's also a proper way of doing things and for all I am, I still do certain things properly. Saying good-bye to a loved one who's moved on is one of 'em. Grandma deserves no less.

My dad and Grandpa? Not so much, too much bad blood to get past. However I have forgiven them in recent years, both have been gone for over a decade now. And the thoughts of forgiveness have crossed my mind recently about how Linda has handled all this. I don't know if I can forgive what I consider the unforgivable. I've not forgiven not being informed of Great-Grandma's death and I don't know if I can. There's just things that can't be forgiven.

My paternal blood relations are dead to me now. I still have to say something to Linda. That's me, it's how I finalize crap. I got to let the other person, or persons, know my position so there's no loose ends. In the end, you'll always know where I stand and why. I owe myself that with my paternal side. It's just a matter of when. I just hope that the Police don't get involved...