I love how there are certain people who don't like me being happy. But not like you'd think. Maybe it's me, and I can live with that, but it seems that there are people out there who can't handle a person being happy WHILE being "full figured", "large", "fat", "over-weight".
It's weird.
Let me say that I am happy in my body! Am I trying to lose weight? Yes, for health reason not vanity. It can be annoying to be a fat man. Clothes are a bit more expensive, there may be some health problems. People look at you funny when you walk or eat. Then there's the stories of airlines charging you for two seats if you're "too big", which is stupid as frak since they design those seats smaller and smaller for more people to fly, thus more profits.
Anyway, I digress.
Look, I'm fat and proud! For those who can't handle that, know that I do not have a weight problem. You just have a problem with my weight. I'm the Belly of the Ball and you can't keep this smile from my face. The men in my life love the jiggly, it keeps them happy! My size is a benefit with some people who wanna try drek with me. It also has taught me to keep my immediate area in mind when I move around. I'm very aware of my surroundings and I've noticed most thin people aren't. There's much that thin people take for granted that bigger folks can't.
Another phenomenon I've noticed as a fat man is how bigger folk try to not take up a lot of space while skinny people just spread out. Seriously, take notice next time your out and about, it's a trip!
So that's the limit of what's on my mind today. Later!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
The old Irate Wiccan Faggot is dead
So I thought about many ways to approach this post. Do I write it out on (gasp!) paper ahead of time? Do it in a note on the computer or word document? Finally, I came around to just going for it free style. Keep it real enough that it jives with my older posts.
So here's what's happened to me;
Back before Thanksgiving, I made an absolute fool of myself in the worst, most disrespectful way possible to my mother. I'm not going into details on this one, so please don't ask. I am beyond embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed of what I did. Yes, I just used those words in conjunction with myself, don't worry, reality hasn't ended.
However, that one moment of my life, while extremely damaging to almost every other area of my life, has overall been THE best thing that could have happened to me, overall! Why? Because it made me wake up to the shit I was and had been causing and that I was turning into my sperm donor of a paternal figure, to the point I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic. Way to almost close the cycle!
In a previous post, I wrote about Divine Moments. Times when the Divine tries to get your attention and get you to realize some drek? Well this was the largest Divine Moment I've yet to have! And I've been working myself over for a while, but this made me go from a 'Take My Time' attitude to 'OMG, Warp Speed NOW'! I've made strives to make huge changes in me and set up a system of positive energy and people around me. I don't exclude all negative energy, I feel some is still good for you. But I try and keep people away from me who are downers, people who can't be positive or see positivity in a bad situation to save they souls!
Also, I've given myself over to my Gods and The Divine we are all a part of. Not like a reborn Christian or anything, but someone who give The Gods and Divine a chance to work with you and not you against Them. I've felt so blessed and honored to feel the presence of my Gods and The Divine in my life and spirit. That makes me want to do more positive in my life. And let's all face it, I'll forever be an Irate Wiccan Faggot. That's part of me, who I am. But I made the choice for it not to be my defining characteristic. I still cuss, am crude and generally don't care what people have to say or think about me. But I'm gaining tact in all this, which is a weird feeling. But I am more than my anger.
In all this, I've had people complain that I use "blessing" or "blessed" too much. Frak 'em! This is my life and I made the choice to view it as a blessing. These are the same people who complained that I was too negative and needed to get happy. So I dropped 'em from my life. There's just some people who'll never be happy with you and I needed to let them go on they own way. I gotta take care of me first, not the petty wants of others.
I had the mindset of "If you don't like who I am, go to hell" before. I still do, but in a new way. I used to think it selfish if I put me first too often. Then I realized how much of a disservice I was doing to me. I let others rule me and have power over me without ever knowing it! Well, no more! This is my life to live, not yours. The Gods and The Divine have touched my spirit in a way that has moved me to be better. I can't ignore that anymore. I have to pay Karma for what I've done and I know that will take a long time.
And I'm now at a point that I can say that I did see all this coming, I just decided to ignore it. From loosing a friend of 13 years, my social life (not as important to me now) and my Grandmother (my paternal side of the family never told me about it!), it all pushed me over the edge. My world collapsed around me, fully leveling out with what happened before Thanksgiving. But, as I said, this was all worth it! To become who I am now becoming is so wonderful! I look back at this blog and see that I was going down a path I shouldn't have been. I let so much bulldrek rule me and now I've let it all go, or am still in process. My faith is stronger and my love is deeper.
My life is a true blessing! I'm still alive, which is a big bonus (or curse to some, I'm sure)! I'm living my life according to my rules, that makes me feel free and truly, for once, truly happy! I've got such an amazing support network in the form of friends and family. I'm employed and have money (a true blessing these days!). And finally, I've got the love and support of two wonderful, beautiful men!
The Hubby is forever my rock and foundation. I could not ask for better!!! He is so beautiful and am in awe of his patience and love for me, it makes me stronger! While The Collared One give me strength in a ways I never thought of. He is so much more than The Hubby, but in ways that The Hubby couldn't be. Personality differences do that. And the fact that we three get along, like the company of each other and we fit? Blessing and Luck feel incomparable to what I'm feeing! Our personalities just click! I love this, I love that I have the chance to be me with two guys that let me as I let them. How is this not a blessing? I feel as if lightning stuck twice, I got that lucky in the quality of the men in my life!
Don't get me wrong, there's plenty out there who say I'm cheating or that I'm so in the wrong for being Polyamorous. But that's me, it's part of who I am. By being in a consenting non-monogamous relationship, there's no cheating. When it becomes non-consenting, then there's a problem. And I'm not hurting anyone, so how is it wrong? Let me live my life, worry about yours.
So I'm going to take this ride and see where I end up. My life has turned around and I'm willing to fix what I've broken and work with those I've hurt. I want to be better and live my life fully, regardless of the bulldrek others would like to use to hold me down. I'm ready for the next step and the next level. I'm happy, blessed, loved, wanted, needed and desired. Can't no one take that away from me unless I let them!
So here's what's happened to me;
Back before Thanksgiving, I made an absolute fool of myself in the worst, most disrespectful way possible to my mother. I'm not going into details on this one, so please don't ask. I am beyond embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed of what I did. Yes, I just used those words in conjunction with myself, don't worry, reality hasn't ended.
However, that one moment of my life, while extremely damaging to almost every other area of my life, has overall been THE best thing that could have happened to me, overall! Why? Because it made me wake up to the shit I was and had been causing and that I was turning into my sperm donor of a paternal figure, to the point I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic. Way to almost close the cycle!
In a previous post, I wrote about Divine Moments. Times when the Divine tries to get your attention and get you to realize some drek? Well this was the largest Divine Moment I've yet to have! And I've been working myself over for a while, but this made me go from a 'Take My Time' attitude to 'OMG, Warp Speed NOW'! I've made strives to make huge changes in me and set up a system of positive energy and people around me. I don't exclude all negative energy, I feel some is still good for you. But I try and keep people away from me who are downers, people who can't be positive or see positivity in a bad situation to save they souls!
Also, I've given myself over to my Gods and The Divine we are all a part of. Not like a reborn Christian or anything, but someone who give The Gods and Divine a chance to work with you and not you against Them. I've felt so blessed and honored to feel the presence of my Gods and The Divine in my life and spirit. That makes me want to do more positive in my life. And let's all face it, I'll forever be an Irate Wiccan Faggot. That's part of me, who I am. But I made the choice for it not to be my defining characteristic. I still cuss, am crude and generally don't care what people have to say or think about me. But I'm gaining tact in all this, which is a weird feeling. But I am more than my anger.
In all this, I've had people complain that I use "blessing" or "blessed" too much. Frak 'em! This is my life and I made the choice to view it as a blessing. These are the same people who complained that I was too negative and needed to get happy. So I dropped 'em from my life. There's just some people who'll never be happy with you and I needed to let them go on they own way. I gotta take care of me first, not the petty wants of others.
I had the mindset of "If you don't like who I am, go to hell" before. I still do, but in a new way. I used to think it selfish if I put me first too often. Then I realized how much of a disservice I was doing to me. I let others rule me and have power over me without ever knowing it! Well, no more! This is my life to live, not yours. The Gods and The Divine have touched my spirit in a way that has moved me to be better. I can't ignore that anymore. I have to pay Karma for what I've done and I know that will take a long time.
And I'm now at a point that I can say that I did see all this coming, I just decided to ignore it. From loosing a friend of 13 years, my social life (not as important to me now) and my Grandmother (my paternal side of the family never told me about it!), it all pushed me over the edge. My world collapsed around me, fully leveling out with what happened before Thanksgiving. But, as I said, this was all worth it! To become who I am now becoming is so wonderful! I look back at this blog and see that I was going down a path I shouldn't have been. I let so much bulldrek rule me and now I've let it all go, or am still in process. My faith is stronger and my love is deeper.
My life is a true blessing! I'm still alive, which is a big bonus (or curse to some, I'm sure)! I'm living my life according to my rules, that makes me feel free and truly, for once, truly happy! I've got such an amazing support network in the form of friends and family. I'm employed and have money (a true blessing these days!). And finally, I've got the love and support of two wonderful, beautiful men!
The Hubby is forever my rock and foundation. I could not ask for better!!! He is so beautiful and am in awe of his patience and love for me, it makes me stronger! While The Collared One give me strength in a ways I never thought of. He is so much more than The Hubby, but in ways that The Hubby couldn't be. Personality differences do that. And the fact that we three get along, like the company of each other and we fit? Blessing and Luck feel incomparable to what I'm feeing! Our personalities just click! I love this, I love that I have the chance to be me with two guys that let me as I let them. How is this not a blessing? I feel as if lightning stuck twice, I got that lucky in the quality of the men in my life!
Don't get me wrong, there's plenty out there who say I'm cheating or that I'm so in the wrong for being Polyamorous. But that's me, it's part of who I am. By being in a consenting non-monogamous relationship, there's no cheating. When it becomes non-consenting, then there's a problem. And I'm not hurting anyone, so how is it wrong? Let me live my life, worry about yours.
So I'm going to take this ride and see where I end up. My life has turned around and I'm willing to fix what I've broken and work with those I've hurt. I want to be better and live my life fully, regardless of the bulldrek others would like to use to hold me down. I'm ready for the next step and the next level. I'm happy, blessed, loved, wanted, needed and desired. Can't no one take that away from me unless I let them!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Back from cyberdeath
Hello my darlings! The home computer blew up back after my last post and now I'm back and while I'll post later about major, MAJOR changes I've gone through, I'll leave this little teaser...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h-_6h-g5s0
Watch, listen and know this is where I'm at now. I've gone to some pretty dark places and I'm seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel. I had to loose it all to get me back from the brink.
And to those I've hurt with what I'll talk about later, I am truly and deeply sorry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h-_6h-g5s0
Watch, listen and know this is where I'm at now. I've gone to some pretty dark places and I'm seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel. I had to loose it all to get me back from the brink.
And to those I've hurt with what I'll talk about later, I am truly and deeply sorry.
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