Now, before I get going and y'all try to chase my fat ass down the road, please know that I am all for Marriage Equality. The title was sensational enough to get your attention. Nothing more, so no trying to cyberstalk me to insanity, I'm already there.
Now yes, I do want to marry my man. But not for the reasons I'm starting to notice in The LGBTQ Community. My guy and I want to marry because we love each other but mainly we want to marry for the legal protections that little piece of paper provides.
What worries me these days is that I see so many Same-Sex couples rushing down the isle, blindly so. That's not a good move. Marriage seems to be treated as a problem solver by most Hetero couples or something to do because they're "just so in love", not realizing what marriage really is all about. The difference with Same-Sex couples is that because there's this sporadic state-by-state legalization, marriage is being treated as a status symbol. A band wagon to join. And yet, how many of these couples are seriously researching the laws of the state they run to marry in?
What if, Gods forbid, they separate? One or both may have to move to said state for their Term of Residency to be eligible for a divorce. Hetero couples don't have to even think or consider that option! Or what about laws forbidding out-of-state couples to marry that aren't enforced on Hetero couples but they are on their Same-Sex counterparts? I really so wish I'd see more people taking the time to have all the ducks in a row before rushing off to say "I Do".
The other area of Marriage Equality is that it's killing dating. Since Marriage Equality is coming to more and more states, and we seem to be very near Federal/National status, everyone is on the hunt for a Spouse. This is what dating is for! To go and find someone you're really into and want to pursue is great and wonderful. However, to go and add the expectation that they're your "soon to be spouse" because you want to marry so badly and have that status? It's a stress that should never be put on someone.
You will eventually, and quickly, kill what could be an amazing relationship that could help move you towards that person or persons who will make you happier than you've ever known or imagined. And then what about the people you skip over because they're just looking to date while you're determined to find your "soon to be spouse"? Again, that is what dating is for: to weed out the people who couldn't cut it. Even if you date for a couple months and you're really into the person, it's better than pushing through all the warning signs and them marrying them because you want to ride the band wagon. Far too many people put lifetime expectations on people that they were only meant to be with for a season. In doing so, they never are happy due to this simple mistake. Relationships are work, hard work. To go into a complex and complicated scenario so blindly with another person is reckless to say the least.
And this brings us to a subject that adds to this whole topic for me while, I'm sure, making quite a few uncomfortable. If you noticed a few sentences back, I said "person or persons". Reason being is that I'm Polyamourous, I want/have/pursue multiple intimate/romantic relationships at once. My man is the same and we are perfectly happy with our choice to love and live freely. For us, Monogamy is over-rated and our opinion of it is that it isn't a natural Human state. However, so many don't believe in it or see it that way due to a heavily ingrained social programming from an Abrahamic/Monotheistic (Judea-Christian-Islamic) culture.
I bring all this up due to how much harder it is for Poly people to find our happiness. In a Monogamy based dating pool, Polyamoury is a heavy responsibility and at times, a burden. Cop out excuses of "you're in a relationship/just looking to date" have replaced the oldie but goodie of "If you lost weight, you'd be cuter and datable". And with the former excuse, it's tied into the idea of finding that "soon to be spouse" to marry while totally avoiding the well established mechanism we call dating.
Another area of being Poly in a Mono world is how we are called greedy for wanting more than one person and that we should be happy with what we have. I was taught to share and that sharing is caring. So if I share myself with someone who isn't my man with his blessings, then how is that bad? We aren't cheating, as many would think that we are.
So in all this, my opinion of Same-Sex Marriage has fallen, fast. Being a larger man was once a source of "you'll never find someone being the size you are". Now, it's "you're greedy and already in a relationship, so why would I want to play second to anyone?" That's such a complete misunderstanding and yet another cop out. You can't be second when no one is first! The one I get tossed at me is, "You're just looking to date and I want a Husband". Just like all the fat shaming talk, trying to shame me based on my Poly and relationship status is unwarranted. It's also a piss poor excuse.
Dating is a wonderful, magickal and beautiful experience. It helps keep the seasonal people out of lifetime expectations while letting you have the chance to let go and have fun. As a Poly, I'd never expect someone I'm with to be exclusive unless they've already made that choice themselves. If the guy, or guys, I'm dating want to leave because they found someone who they want to establish a long-term committed relationship with, I wouldn't keep them back from that. I may not practice Monogamy, but I wouldn't keep someone else from it.
I have loved multiple men at once and I will again. Communication between everyone is the key to the success. By loving more than one man at once, it never took away from the other. If anything, the experience enhanced the love that was there. Love is not about Monogamy or Polyamoury. It's bigger than that. Love is about putting the welfare and happiness of someone else ahead of you without expectation of reward or special treatment in return. And to do that with more than one other Human is more rewarding than I can ever hope to put words to.
So to tie all this together, Same-Sex Marriage isn't helping keep The LGBTQ Community unique. It forces us to assimilate and take this institution we've fought to be a part of and abuse it. By treating it as a status symbol and a band wagon to join, we lessen it, lessen our love and lessen our move towards Equality. We used to be a community and sub-culture that valued the unique, different and 'out of the box' ways of life. Now, we're just trying to Hetero-normalize and abandon what made us shine and made us amazing. In doing so, we invalidate those who came before us.
Love is beyond gender, sex, relationship status and any other label you can come up with to keep yourself from letting go. That act of letting go and giving it a try is what will move you to the next level, the next step towards a happiness that you can't even imagine. Date multiple people, love as many as you can. To deny based on cop out, lazy excuses just keeps you from chances at something amazing. And who knows what doors or opportunities would present themselves to you because of it. You may even find that "soon to be spouse" faster because of it. The one, or ones, who will make you fulfilled in ways that will make you wonder how you lived beforehand.
