When you know someone you care about is hurting, how do you help? Is it right ti sit by when they seem to internalize it all? If you push to help, even a little bit, they shut down. How the hell can you be there when they won't let anyone in?
These thoughts go through my head all the time in regards to someone close to me. I want to help, to be there and help. But at the same time, sitting by doing nothing is said to be helping and being there but I feel like a failure in doing so. I do not need to be the hero in the lives of others, but I have the need to be a force of positivity. I want to help those I love and care about. Then, and I hate this, my mind races with all I think I've done wrong and how I've failed and how I could be a better person and maybe that'll help the person(s) open up.
Look, I can internalize better than most, but I get how bad that is. I guess that's my drive.And when the person in question is someone I love very dearly, it tears me up even more. I feel hurt, lonely, depressed and a complete and utter failure. If I don't try and be there, then I get mad and angry at myself. Then it turns into a destructive force in other areas of my life.
I just wish I felt as if I where trusted by this person. I like to think I am and I have to remind myself as to how far they have internalized everything. But then I feel again and these emotions override my rationality. Like I've said, I feel too much and deeply. But it's part of who I am and what I am...so goes the struggle.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Random Thoughts Sloshing About
As someone with OCD (CDO if you got it bad and want it in alphabetical order), I know that I can over think stuff. I'm very detail oriented. However, I'm finding that I'm also an over feeler. Not that I'm over emotional (I can hear the keyboards clatter away with arguments to the contrary) but that I can focus on a feeling, or a set of them, and just over feel my feelings.
The worst way I do this is when I love someone. Mind you, I give myself freely, deeply and totally to those I love, especially The Hubby and The Collared One. Also, thanks to my Mom, I have a lot of guilt that can rear its ugly head at any moment if I feel I've done something wrong. Yeah, I'm a cargo plane of baggage, I know.
I feel as if I've done something wrong at times when I don't see my Collared One as much as I would other people in my life. Don't get me wrong, I know (rationally) that he has his own life and responsibilities. I get that. But emotionally I don't. At times I wanna cry or lash out. Most times I feel as if I'm a runner up or back-up plan. Again, rationally I get that I'm not and everyone has their own circumstances to live with. But it's my irrational side that we're talkin' 'bout right now.
I can yell and scream at people, better than most at times. But to sit and convey my inner thoughts and feelings with people is another story altogether. Negative stuff I know how to deal with, I've had a lifetime to master it. But positive stuff is still so much of an undiscovered country and an alien concept in how I convey it all.
I don't think I ask for much in the form of time. But yet I feel that I'd be asking too much. I ca write out so much better than I speak, but letters and e-mails take away the face-to-face time that I value more in communication.
I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Thanks for putting up with my manic craziness.
The worst way I do this is when I love someone. Mind you, I give myself freely, deeply and totally to those I love, especially The Hubby and The Collared One. Also, thanks to my Mom, I have a lot of guilt that can rear its ugly head at any moment if I feel I've done something wrong. Yeah, I'm a cargo plane of baggage, I know.
I feel as if I've done something wrong at times when I don't see my Collared One as much as I would other people in my life. Don't get me wrong, I know (rationally) that he has his own life and responsibilities. I get that. But emotionally I don't. At times I wanna cry or lash out. Most times I feel as if I'm a runner up or back-up plan. Again, rationally I get that I'm not and everyone has their own circumstances to live with. But it's my irrational side that we're talkin' 'bout right now.
I can yell and scream at people, better than most at times. But to sit and convey my inner thoughts and feelings with people is another story altogether. Negative stuff I know how to deal with, I've had a lifetime to master it. But positive stuff is still so much of an undiscovered country and an alien concept in how I convey it all.
I don't think I ask for much in the form of time. But yet I feel that I'd be asking too much. I ca write out so much better than I speak, but letters and e-mails take away the face-to-face time that I value more in communication.
I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Thanks for putting up with my manic craziness.
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