So within the last 24 hours, I was handed the largest frakking God Moment I've ever received in my life! And while it showed me so much of myself that I was unaware of and that even disgusted me, I'm not angry. I feel blessed to have that light shown on a very dark place that I didn't know about or didn't want to know about. All, thus far, that I can figure is that in trying so very hard not to be my father and the example he was and his family is that I started becoming that.
And yeah, I am a dark macabre person, I enjoy the things that more people avoid or fear. But that is one type of Dark. The Darkness that was (and possibly still is) trying to fill me is one I won't stand for and one that is a type of Darkness that is Evil and evil for its own sake. A Darkness that scares even me. I saw what that all did once and I made a vow to not be a source of it. I've partially broken that vow, but not completely.
There's much work to be done, a lot of soul searching and dark valleys and night to get through, but it will be done. I will come out better and stronger for it. I've got to watch my reactions and behaviors, augment where it all needs it and do a reset and restore when drek needs to be gotten rid of.
And in all this...all I can ever do if offer the biggest, most sincere apologies to those I've hurt and scared off. When your blind to you, it's hard to see goovna for what it really is. And while I'm paranoid enough, I'm sure that my paranoia will affect how I see the relations around me and how they've changed in the last 2 years. So I'll need people to be tactlessly honest with me for a while. All I ask is that you please do not take advantage of me right now for your own agendas.
See...paranoia!
