OK, been M.I.A. and I apologize. Been gettin' my shit in order so I can flush it. Got that much that it's interfered with my postings.
But the thing is that I'm kinda freakin' out. It's boiling down to where I am in life, I'm 30, and fighting against the programming that has been forced into my head over the years of my childhood. For those newbies who don't know, I'm anti-materialist. I want what I have and not have what I want. I don't let shit own me since this fag ain't a slave to no one. Fuck that.
But even with all that, I see where people I know are at, or heading, and it fucks with me. Makes me feel that I'm not 'enough'. And that word, 'enough', is loaded. I feel shitty and stupid. And I feel as if I've failed somehow. Again, I think it boils down to the programming I had as a kid in Middle-Class Middle America. I don't blame my parental-units, they got the same treatment.
It goes like this;
input: buy house
input: buy nice car
input: have/do more than your parents
input: buying and having things makes you feel good and makes you look good to others
And this is the shit I don't get, yet feel like a failure for for not having. Yet I'm anti-materialistic! Seriously, what the fuck?!
I don't see the need to own a house. You never really seem get your investment worth nor do you ever really own it. Sure, you can have the deed, but if you are in debt bad, the creditors can come take it and use the equity to pay off your debts. How is that owning? If you own something, no one should be able to take it!
Then there's the car thing. Yeah, I got one. But I'm getting rid of it soon. Cuz I don't fucking need one! There's this lovely little socialist invention call Public Transit! Someone explain to me why I need a car.
Why? For what reason? Fuck it, I don't!
Then the last two from the list. I don't need more than my parents, nor do I need to do more. That lie only puts me more in debt and a slave to creditors. The whole buying and having? Fuck you if you believe that and I pity you stupid cunts that do. I don't give a fuck about what people think of me!
I may feel like a failure, but it doesn't mean that I am. It takes time to remove these lies and traps that I was taught. I do not need a house or car or more than what my parents did. I don't need things to make me feel better and fuck you if you think I do. That's what sex, drugs, good music/times/people and alcohol are for.
I had to get that out. It's been boiling for a while. I'm gettin' my shit together and not caring any more about what others are doing in their lives. I can not let it affect and effect my life because I refuse to live up to the standards of society. It's those same fucking standards that got us in the financial mess we are in today.
I'm staggering right now, but I am not down or out. I admit, I'm gonna be limppin' for a minute, but I will recover and survive.
