As someone with OCD (CDO if you got it bad and want it in alphabetical order), I know that I can over think stuff. I'm very detail oriented. However, I'm finding that I'm also an over feeler. Not that I'm over emotional (I can hear the keyboards clatter away with arguments to the contrary) but that I can focus on a feeling, or a set of them, and just over feel my feelings.
The worst way I do this is when I love someone. Mind you, I give myself freely, deeply and totally to those I love, especially The Hubby and The Collared One. Also, thanks to my Mom, I have a lot of guilt that can rear its ugly head at any moment if I feel I've done something wrong. Yeah, I'm a cargo plane of baggage, I know.
I feel as if I've done something wrong at times when I don't see my Collared One as much as I would other people in my life. Don't get me wrong, I know (rationally) that he has his own life and responsibilities. I get that. But emotionally I don't. At times I wanna cry or lash out. Most times I feel as if I'm a runner up or back-up plan. Again, rationally I get that I'm not and everyone has their own circumstances to live with. But it's my irrational side that we're talkin' 'bout right now.
I can yell and scream at people, better than most at times. But to sit and convey my inner thoughts and feelings with people is another story altogether. Negative stuff I know how to deal with, I've had a lifetime to master it. But positive stuff is still so much of an undiscovered country and an alien concept in how I convey it all.
I don't think I ask for much in the form of time. But yet I feel that I'd be asking too much. I ca write out so much better than I speak, but letters and e-mails take away the face-to-face time that I value more in communication.
I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Thanks for putting up with my manic craziness.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
They're a racial/transphoic/homophobic/etc. bastard
I have had my fill of over sensitive people who cry foul when someone, some where does or says something that they do not agree with. I'm guilty of it, everyone is. However, in my own defense, I've made a serious effort to move past such knee jerk mentalities. If someone makes a statement about another person, then that is what that person needed to be called at that time because that is how they where acting. While I'm not cisgendered centric or anti-Christian, I am against extremism. That can be anyone who takes something a bit too far. Again, guilty of it myself.
But if I call someone a tranny fucker, that doesn't mean I'm a Transphobic bastard because I said tranny. It means that I'm calling you out because you're a fucker who happens to be trans. Deal with it moron! If I call you a bitch, you where acting like one! In that spirit though, I won't call someone a nigger or nigga because I was taught to never use those words to describe a person, period. Now if you where acting niggardly, I'll say as much, but you'll have to learn that the word isn't a racial slur. You're on the Internet, look it up.
I wish people would grow thicker skin and worry more about what they do and how they live rather than how someone else is going about their lives. So long as by doing so, either party isn't hurting the other or someone else. Being sensitive to a person, topic or culture is great, but people and we as a culture have gone too far. Don't do this, say this, read that, watch that, etc. Fuck that and you, I'm going to live my life by my rules. Please grow the hell up and get off the damn cross. Someone needs the wood!
But if I call someone a tranny fucker, that doesn't mean I'm a Transphobic bastard because I said tranny. It means that I'm calling you out because you're a fucker who happens to be trans. Deal with it moron! If I call you a bitch, you where acting like one! In that spirit though, I won't call someone a nigger or nigga because I was taught to never use those words to describe a person, period. Now if you where acting niggardly, I'll say as much, but you'll have to learn that the word isn't a racial slur. You're on the Internet, look it up.
I wish people would grow thicker skin and worry more about what they do and how they live rather than how someone else is going about their lives. So long as by doing so, either party isn't hurting the other or someone else. Being sensitive to a person, topic or culture is great, but people and we as a culture have gone too far. Don't do this, say this, read that, watch that, etc. Fuck that and you, I'm going to live my life by my rules. Please grow the hell up and get off the damn cross. Someone needs the wood!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Morning rambilings and brain crumbs
There's a lot in my life that has me thinking. For the most part, the last two years has left me with less friends and time with those that I still have. Part of me misses the social butterfly routine I had going. A larger part of me is content with how things are. It's a strange thing. Maybe I'm growing past the old into the new and this is a weird grey area.
Still, I'm cool with it. I miss people and the crazy stuff we did, but I don't miss the cost I paid for it. Being caught in the middle of petty squabbling and, let's face it, immaturity, while trying to keep the peace got to me bad. Sure, I still hold onto some of the goovna, but I'm much happier now and at more peace than I've ever been. I'm working through a lot off my bulldrek and have grown so much because of it. While I miss what I had, I'm more looking to what the future has in store for me. I refuse to become bitter over petty drek and while I still have some anger (more based on a sense of betrayal than anything), I think I'm ready to totally let go, let The Divine sort it out and move on. I'm thinking it's time to hand out forgiveness and leave it at that.
There's regret there, about how things went down. But I can't say Id change it. It all made me who I am now and I can't think of a logical, reasonable reason why that should change. I'm better than I was and am at a place I thought I'd never get to. If these people come back into my life, then so be it. But it will take a lot of time to rebuild trust and there will have to be the acknowledgement that things can never be as they where. I just don't know if I'm ready.
I still have love for those I've lost. I want to see those I've kept in my life, but I'm not forcing it either. I've kept my distance to let the dust settle and maybe it's time to step out again.
Still, I'm cool with it. I miss people and the crazy stuff we did, but I don't miss the cost I paid for it. Being caught in the middle of petty squabbling and, let's face it, immaturity, while trying to keep the peace got to me bad. Sure, I still hold onto some of the goovna, but I'm much happier now and at more peace than I've ever been. I'm working through a lot off my bulldrek and have grown so much because of it. While I miss what I had, I'm more looking to what the future has in store for me. I refuse to become bitter over petty drek and while I still have some anger (more based on a sense of betrayal than anything), I think I'm ready to totally let go, let The Divine sort it out and move on. I'm thinking it's time to hand out forgiveness and leave it at that.
There's regret there, about how things went down. But I can't say Id change it. It all made me who I am now and I can't think of a logical, reasonable reason why that should change. I'm better than I was and am at a place I thought I'd never get to. If these people come back into my life, then so be it. But it will take a lot of time to rebuild trust and there will have to be the acknowledgement that things can never be as they where. I just don't know if I'm ready.
I still have love for those I've lost. I want to see those I've kept in my life, but I'm not forcing it either. I've kept my distance to let the dust settle and maybe it's time to step out again.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Hubby Birthday!
A big, loud shout out to my Hubby, who's birthday it is today!!! He's 42 and looks 30 (the bastard, I don't know how he does it!) and still as hot, sexy, beautiful, loving, caring and all around the best thing to happen to my adult life! He is everything I never thought I wanted and I am blessed to have him in my life! I love you more than I can ever say!!!
Also, just to be fair...a shout out Happy Birthday to The Hubby's Twin! May your day be blessed and full of love.
Also, just to be fair...a shout out Happy Birthday to The Hubby's Twin! May your day be blessed and full of love.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Metro St. Louis is full of shit more than not
What's up fuckers? Not much? Good, so you'll have time to read this.
Have I back tracked on my lovely growth and, dare I say, enlightenment? Not on your life! I am, however, at my limit with a certin organization here in St. Louis, Metro St. Louis itself.
Now, I'm a big proponet of public transit and the validity of the infrastructure it supports. However, I also see it as a business and I its customer. So when an employee of said business ignores one of its patrons, the business needs to know so it can fix the problem.
See, I've had to put up with late buses and missed connections all this past week. The final straw came yesterday, Friday the 4th of May. My fat butt ran up (yes, I ran) two flights of stairs to catch my bus after the train dropped me off at Civic Center Station. It was 1800 hours and the bus arrives at 1801. So I see the bus waiting, apparently early, and wave since the door was shut. That damn driver pulled off and waved right back at me!!!
Now mind you, this bus tends to be a minute or two late on most days so I don't see how waiting a half a minute to get me aboard was such a hassle! I like the southbound Soulard (#30) since it's usually partially full. Whereas the Grand (#70) is like a can of sardines no matter the time of day. Thankfully, the Chippewa (#11) southound was late and I caught it, but the story doesn't end there. Oh no. By the time it got to Grand for me to catch a northbound bus, I missed the connection because the #11 was, what else, late. Then the Grand bus that was supposed to show up at 1837 didn't arrive until 1858, with the 1857 bus just a block or two behind it. I was furious! I mean, come on Metro, how frakking hard is it to keep buses on time or have considerate drivers?
If any other business ran itself as Metro does, it'd be outta business or have a few lawsuits! And what does Metro do? Say they'll talk to the drivers or check the schedule out to see what they can tweak. I don't get why the schedule can't have a train arrive 5 minutes before the group of buses at the station or have buses wait a minute to see if the arriving train has passengers that may require their particular bus. Or why they don't force their employees to ride the system to get shit fixed, cuz if they are late the they'd be pissed too! I get certain arguments and I know more than most about what Metro faces, but you got to work with what you got and they seriously don't seem to do that much!
I won't stop riding but I won't keep quiet either. I know this is just my story and all, but there are a lot more just like it. I hear 'em almost daily. Shit like this is why I miss having a car but then I remember that I'm saving about $500 minimum a month being careless.
What the frak ever...I'm done ranting.
Have I back tracked on my lovely growth and, dare I say, enlightenment? Not on your life! I am, however, at my limit with a certin organization here in St. Louis, Metro St. Louis itself.
Now, I'm a big proponet of public transit and the validity of the infrastructure it supports. However, I also see it as a business and I its customer. So when an employee of said business ignores one of its patrons, the business needs to know so it can fix the problem.
See, I've had to put up with late buses and missed connections all this past week. The final straw came yesterday, Friday the 4th of May. My fat butt ran up (yes, I ran) two flights of stairs to catch my bus after the train dropped me off at Civic Center Station. It was 1800 hours and the bus arrives at 1801. So I see the bus waiting, apparently early, and wave since the door was shut. That damn driver pulled off and waved right back at me!!!
Now mind you, this bus tends to be a minute or two late on most days so I don't see how waiting a half a minute to get me aboard was such a hassle! I like the southbound Soulard (#30) since it's usually partially full. Whereas the Grand (#70) is like a can of sardines no matter the time of day. Thankfully, the Chippewa (#11) southound was late and I caught it, but the story doesn't end there. Oh no. By the time it got to Grand for me to catch a northbound bus, I missed the connection because the #11 was, what else, late. Then the Grand bus that was supposed to show up at 1837 didn't arrive until 1858, with the 1857 bus just a block or two behind it. I was furious! I mean, come on Metro, how frakking hard is it to keep buses on time or have considerate drivers?
If any other business ran itself as Metro does, it'd be outta business or have a few lawsuits! And what does Metro do? Say they'll talk to the drivers or check the schedule out to see what they can tweak. I don't get why the schedule can't have a train arrive 5 minutes before the group of buses at the station or have buses wait a minute to see if the arriving train has passengers that may require their particular bus. Or why they don't force their employees to ride the system to get shit fixed, cuz if they are late the they'd be pissed too! I get certain arguments and I know more than most about what Metro faces, but you got to work with what you got and they seriously don't seem to do that much!
I won't stop riding but I won't keep quiet either. I know this is just my story and all, but there are a lot more just like it. I hear 'em almost daily. Shit like this is why I miss having a car but then I remember that I'm saving about $500 minimum a month being careless.
What the frak ever...I'm done ranting.
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