There's a lot in my life that has me thinking. For the most part, the last two years has left me with less friends and time with those that I still have. Part of me misses the social butterfly routine I had going. A larger part of me is content with how things are. It's a strange thing. Maybe I'm growing past the old into the new and this is a weird grey area.
Still, I'm cool with it. I miss people and the crazy stuff we did, but I don't miss the cost I paid for it. Being caught in the middle of petty squabbling and, let's face it, immaturity, while trying to keep the peace got to me bad. Sure, I still hold onto some of the goovna, but I'm much happier now and at more peace than I've ever been. I'm working through a lot off my bulldrek and have grown so much because of it. While I miss what I had, I'm more looking to what the future has in store for me. I refuse to become bitter over petty drek and while I still have some anger (more based on a sense of betrayal than anything), I think I'm ready to totally let go, let The Divine sort it out and move on. I'm thinking it's time to hand out forgiveness and leave it at that.
There's regret there, about how things went down. But I can't say Id change it. It all made me who I am now and I can't think of a logical, reasonable reason why that should change. I'm better than I was and am at a place I thought I'd never get to. If these people come back into my life, then so be it. But it will take a lot of time to rebuild trust and there will have to be the acknowledgement that things can never be as they where. I just don't know if I'm ready.
I still have love for those I've lost. I want to see those I've kept in my life, but I'm not forcing it either. I've kept my distance to let the dust settle and maybe it's time to step out again.
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