This is a quickie blog entry. I just wanna say that I'm kinda stoked that I get more traffic here from Mother Russia than from The US, The UK, The Ukraine and Canada combined! And somehow, I get traffic coming from Kazakhstan. Not that I mind...just unexpected is all.
Anywho. I gotta say, I love Russians!!! Besides your hot men and your sexy language (yes, I think Russian is sexy, shut up!) I love the resilience of the Russian people and the insults you all have! Seriously, they rock my socks off!! I'll also admit that I'm biased due to the fact that Russia gave birth to one of the sexiest men alive, Konstantin Khabensky. Seriously, the man oozes sexy! OK, and Russian culture, literature and history is way cool too, but I'm having a shallow moment. Deal! Love Russian music, though I am really into modern pop and industrial, you people know how to party!
Love you Russians and I love Mother Russia! Hope to visit one day!!!
Это вступление беглый блоге. Я просто хочу сказать, что я своего рода топили, что я могу получить больше трафика здесь от матушки-России, чем из США, Великобритании, Украине и Канаде вместе взятых! И каким-то образом, я получаю трафик, поступающий из Казахстан. Не то чтобы я ума ... просто неожиданные и все.
Anywho. Я должен сказать, я люблю русских! Кроме того, ваши горячие мужчины и ваш сексуальный язык (да, я думаю, что русская сексуальная, заткнись!) Я люблю устойчивости русского народа и оскорбляет вас все есть! Серьезно, они качаются мои носки! Я также признаю, что я предвзято в связи с тем, что Россия родилась одна из самых сексуальных мужчин живьем, Константин Хабенский. Серьезно, человек источает сексуальность! OK, и русской культуры, литературы и истории путь слишком прохладно, но я с мелкой момент. Дело! Люблю русскую музыку, хотя я действительно в современной поп-и промышленные, вы люди знают, как праздновать!
Люблю вас, русских, и я люблю матушку-Россию! Надеюсь посетить один день!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Don't make me take off my earrings!
I find it interesting and slightly amazing that just a few days shy of my 33rd birthday that I'm (still) seen as weak for showing kindness and respect to those I care about the most. I don't understand how that should somehow mean that the people I love can feel they have the right to walk all over me, disregard me, treat me as a consideration at best and feel that I'm to be trifled with because somehow being kind means I won't fight back. Honey, if you think that then you've got another thing coming!
I gambled and risked my heart, was patient and kind. I made every effort I could to be the "good guy", to be the positive force in the life of someone close to me who has been through so much Hell that they don't know how to live without it. I know, I've been there. But recently, I've gotten to realize that this person treasures their wounds, keeps them open to a degree. No matter the support I give, not the amount of time and patience I've put forth has or will change that. I know this now. And in letting myself see the truth, I've spoken up. And in doing so, it seems I'm the bitch. Not usually a bad thing mind you.
I've said my peace about how I feel about the relationship and how I'm treated and that seeing someone 3, 4 or 5 times a year does not make for a lasting relationship of any kind. But getting a response of (paraphrasing) "you should know better" and "I shouldn't have to prove anything" has furthered my understanding that either I was a blind fool or that this wasn't what I thought it was. That said, I don't see how someone who claims what has been claimed can so idly brush off a concern I brought to them. If they can be so flippant about it then I guess our season has passed and I need to let go and move on.
It's funny to how suddenly I've got more than several opportunities presented to me when this situation rears its ugly head. It's a test, for sure. But I'm not going to over analyze it, I'm just going to go with the flow but keep myself guarded until the time is right to open up. No more "putting myself out there" and let people trample on my heart and feelings anymore. And in going out and letting The Multiverse take care of me that this person decides to be part of my life...well then they are going to have to prove it. Regardless of their claims to the contrary.
You wanna be part of my life, then step up and show me your as true to your word in actions as well as statements. If that's too much, see ya. I got people who want to be where you are in my life and I'm willing to give them the chance you've squandered.
I gambled and risked my heart, was patient and kind. I made every effort I could to be the "good guy", to be the positive force in the life of someone close to me who has been through so much Hell that they don't know how to live without it. I know, I've been there. But recently, I've gotten to realize that this person treasures their wounds, keeps them open to a degree. No matter the support I give, not the amount of time and patience I've put forth has or will change that. I know this now. And in letting myself see the truth, I've spoken up. And in doing so, it seems I'm the bitch. Not usually a bad thing mind you.
I've said my peace about how I feel about the relationship and how I'm treated and that seeing someone 3, 4 or 5 times a year does not make for a lasting relationship of any kind. But getting a response of (paraphrasing) "you should know better" and "I shouldn't have to prove anything" has furthered my understanding that either I was a blind fool or that this wasn't what I thought it was. That said, I don't see how someone who claims what has been claimed can so idly brush off a concern I brought to them. If they can be so flippant about it then I guess our season has passed and I need to let go and move on.
It's funny to how suddenly I've got more than several opportunities presented to me when this situation rears its ugly head. It's a test, for sure. But I'm not going to over analyze it, I'm just going to go with the flow but keep myself guarded until the time is right to open up. No more "putting myself out there" and let people trample on my heart and feelings anymore. And in going out and letting The Multiverse take care of me that this person decides to be part of my life...well then they are going to have to prove it. Regardless of their claims to the contrary.
You wanna be part of my life, then step up and show me your as true to your word in actions as well as statements. If that's too much, see ya. I got people who want to be where you are in my life and I'm willing to give them the chance you've squandered.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Say what?!
So I get on Blogger and had in mind a random blog for some subject that came into my head. Then I notice that I have a comment to approve and then come to find out I've been nominated for a Blog Award or two! Holy hell, ME??? Well slap some butter on my buns and call me a biscuit!
The lovely person who nominated me was A Domestic Pagan, who can be found here: http://www.thedomesticpagan.net/2012/08/iblog-awards.html
Boo, thank you ever so much! When I started this blog, it was for simple cathartic reasons and to get this mess of anger and darkness out. That ended up consuming me and then spit me out. But I'm better and more refined in my craziness. LOL! Um...anyway, there are rules to follow about this little awards thingy, so I'm going to follow as best I can. Hell, I was nominated, might as well give it a go!
Things about me:
1. My temper is vile, evil and hard to control at times. But I'm learning to wield it as a force for good.
2. I'm passionate about those who've stayed by me over the last 3 years of trials and falling down.
3. I'm an activist for Equality.
4. I'm polyamorous and polytheistic.
5. I have a low tolerance for what I consider to be bulldrek.
6. I'm with a most amazing man who's taught me more than he'll ever know
7. Am a fool for sushi.
8. Love Ethiopian food and people!
9. Am a loyal St. Louis Cardinals fan
10. I don't trust easily
This is the hard part, I'm supposed to nominate 15 bloggers, but I don't know that many, so I'm gonna break this one with the few I do know:
1. http://angryblackbitch.blogspot.com/
2. http://deadamericandream.blogspot.com/
3. http://queerofsteel.blogspot.com/
So here's fingers crossed and what not. I'll be sending comments to those I've nominated as soon as I find the damn website to put in the info! Ugh...#11, I hate tech..
One Lovely Blog Award Rules
The lovely person who nominated me was A Domestic Pagan, who can be found here: http://www.thedomesticpagan.net/2012/08/iblog-awards.html
Boo, thank you ever so much! When I started this blog, it was for simple cathartic reasons and to get this mess of anger and darkness out. That ended up consuming me and then spit me out. But I'm better and more refined in my craziness. LOL! Um...anyway, there are rules to follow about this little awards thingy, so I'm going to follow as best I can. Hell, I was nominated, might as well give it a go!
Things about me:
1. My temper is vile, evil and hard to control at times. But I'm learning to wield it as a force for good.
2. I'm passionate about those who've stayed by me over the last 3 years of trials and falling down.
3. I'm an activist for Equality.
4. I'm polyamorous and polytheistic.
5. I have a low tolerance for what I consider to be bulldrek.
6. I'm with a most amazing man who's taught me more than he'll ever know
7. Am a fool for sushi.
8. Love Ethiopian food and people!
9. Am a loyal St. Louis Cardinals fan
10. I don't trust easily
This is the hard part, I'm supposed to nominate 15 bloggers, but I don't know that many, so I'm gonna break this one with the few I do know:
1. http://angryblackbitch.blogspot.com/
2. http://deadamericandream.blogspot.com/
3. http://queerofsteel.blogspot.com/
So here's fingers crossed and what not. I'll be sending comments to those I've nominated as soon as I find the damn website to put in the info! Ugh...#11, I hate tech..
One Lovely Blog Award Rules
- Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them in your post
- Share 7 things about yourself
- Nominate 15 or so bloggers you admire
- Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
18 years of a psuedo-freedom
This week it came to my attention that as of this coming Thursday, it will be 18 years since my Dad killed himself with a shotgun in a cornfield just north of the Missouri border in Iowa. 18 years since a nightmare ended and 18 years since the last fight and talk I had with him where I agreed with him that he should kill himself. 18 years since new fears crept into my life. 18 years of freedom, with a price I continue to pay.
In it coming to my attention, I found how little I think about my Dad and the Hell that was 1992-1994. Most, I don't think, ever knew. Many will never know. I'd rather forget but I never can, nor should I. But trust me on this, I know evil, Hell and abuse. What I've gone through is nothing compared to others. I know some have had it worse, so I'll not now, or ever, compare my horrors to theirs. That said, to me they are...they are things I'd rather forget. Times I'd rather like to imagine are nightmares that vanish when I wake up. I know it's not true, but it is a comforting lie.
In some ways I miss him, having a dad and all. But I don't miss the abuse, alcoholism, lies, fights and fear. It's strange that for years after he died, I still looked over my shoulder. If I smelled some scent like his, heard a noise or truck that sounded like his or even if someone sounded like him, I froze and went so cold. Gods forbid when I saw someone who looked like him, I'd run. That fear drove me hard for a long time. It till does to a point.
Rationally, I know he's dead. I doubt he could have stayed quiet this long if he wasn't. But it's the irrational side that is at work with this aspect of my life. No one saw the body, my Mom and Grandfather gave the Coroner the tattoos and scars as a reference point. I don't know if there was enough of a head to get dental records or not. And DNA testing was still in its infancy, I think. I've been curious about getting the records and looking them over, but I doubt that it would be a good idea. I'd do more damage to myself than anything else. And I don't need the images in my head either. For all he was, I want to remember him as a whole person, not a corpse on a table who may or may not still have a head.
It feels strange, realizing how long it's really been since he died. In a way, it really was a lifetime ago. I was someone so different from who I am now. Getting past the abuse can do that, make time seems more than what it is. Because of him and the treatment I got as a kid in school, I force myself to walk a fine tightrope. I've stumbled to be sure, fallen a couple times. But I've gotten back up and kept such tight control over me. I have to. I know what I can become and what damage that person can bring. I won't put someone else through that. I refuse to.
And I can go on and on about how I've gotten past the abuse, but you never really do. You learn to cope and hide the pain and fear. Some of the pain comes from me cutting those final ties with my paternal family, they are still a big reminder for me, even with the pain they've caused after my Dad died. But they will be getting my final say sooner rather than later. So much for blood being thicker than water and all.
But the fear? That's a tough one. I still get chills and moments of hesitation when a smell or sound comes my way. Thankfully it has been a very long time since someone who looks like him has crossed my path. And hopefully The universe won't change that! I don't know how I'll react when it will eventually happen. And it will, it's inevitable. I hope I'm strong enough now to keep moving and not turn to run.
But still...18 years of freedom. Feels good, but even freedom comes at a cost. Mine was my sense of security and giving rise to a keen sense of paranoia. There are times I've fantasized about what a 'normal' life would be like, what it would feel like to have stability as my foundation. But I'm sure I've romanticized it to death and have gotten it wrong. But then, if I'd have had a 'normal' life, who would I be? I like where my life has taken me and what I've learned.
I'm sure everyone gets caught in the "What If" fantasies.
In it coming to my attention, I found how little I think about my Dad and the Hell that was 1992-1994. Most, I don't think, ever knew. Many will never know. I'd rather forget but I never can, nor should I. But trust me on this, I know evil, Hell and abuse. What I've gone through is nothing compared to others. I know some have had it worse, so I'll not now, or ever, compare my horrors to theirs. That said, to me they are...they are things I'd rather forget. Times I'd rather like to imagine are nightmares that vanish when I wake up. I know it's not true, but it is a comforting lie.
In some ways I miss him, having a dad and all. But I don't miss the abuse, alcoholism, lies, fights and fear. It's strange that for years after he died, I still looked over my shoulder. If I smelled some scent like his, heard a noise or truck that sounded like his or even if someone sounded like him, I froze and went so cold. Gods forbid when I saw someone who looked like him, I'd run. That fear drove me hard for a long time. It till does to a point.
Rationally, I know he's dead. I doubt he could have stayed quiet this long if he wasn't. But it's the irrational side that is at work with this aspect of my life. No one saw the body, my Mom and Grandfather gave the Coroner the tattoos and scars as a reference point. I don't know if there was enough of a head to get dental records or not. And DNA testing was still in its infancy, I think. I've been curious about getting the records and looking them over, but I doubt that it would be a good idea. I'd do more damage to myself than anything else. And I don't need the images in my head either. For all he was, I want to remember him as a whole person, not a corpse on a table who may or may not still have a head.
It feels strange, realizing how long it's really been since he died. In a way, it really was a lifetime ago. I was someone so different from who I am now. Getting past the abuse can do that, make time seems more than what it is. Because of him and the treatment I got as a kid in school, I force myself to walk a fine tightrope. I've stumbled to be sure, fallen a couple times. But I've gotten back up and kept such tight control over me. I have to. I know what I can become and what damage that person can bring. I won't put someone else through that. I refuse to.
And I can go on and on about how I've gotten past the abuse, but you never really do. You learn to cope and hide the pain and fear. Some of the pain comes from me cutting those final ties with my paternal family, they are still a big reminder for me, even with the pain they've caused after my Dad died. But they will be getting my final say sooner rather than later. So much for blood being thicker than water and all.
But the fear? That's a tough one. I still get chills and moments of hesitation when a smell or sound comes my way. Thankfully it has been a very long time since someone who looks like him has crossed my path. And hopefully The universe won't change that! I don't know how I'll react when it will eventually happen. And it will, it's inevitable. I hope I'm strong enough now to keep moving and not turn to run.
But still...18 years of freedom. Feels good, but even freedom comes at a cost. Mine was my sense of security and giving rise to a keen sense of paranoia. There are times I've fantasized about what a 'normal' life would be like, what it would feel like to have stability as my foundation. But I'm sure I've romanticized it to death and have gotten it wrong. But then, if I'd have had a 'normal' life, who would I be? I like where my life has taken me and what I've learned.
I'm sure everyone gets caught in the "What If" fantasies.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
A point too far?
When you know someone you care about is hurting, how do you help? Is it right ti sit by when they seem to internalize it all? If you push to help, even a little bit, they shut down. How the hell can you be there when they won't let anyone in?
These thoughts go through my head all the time in regards to someone close to me. I want to help, to be there and help. But at the same time, sitting by doing nothing is said to be helping and being there but I feel like a failure in doing so. I do not need to be the hero in the lives of others, but I have the need to be a force of positivity. I want to help those I love and care about. Then, and I hate this, my mind races with all I think I've done wrong and how I've failed and how I could be a better person and maybe that'll help the person(s) open up.
Look, I can internalize better than most, but I get how bad that is. I guess that's my drive.And when the person in question is someone I love very dearly, it tears me up even more. I feel hurt, lonely, depressed and a complete and utter failure. If I don't try and be there, then I get mad and angry at myself. Then it turns into a destructive force in other areas of my life.
I just wish I felt as if I where trusted by this person. I like to think I am and I have to remind myself as to how far they have internalized everything. But then I feel again and these emotions override my rationality. Like I've said, I feel too much and deeply. But it's part of who I am and what I am...so goes the struggle.
These thoughts go through my head all the time in regards to someone close to me. I want to help, to be there and help. But at the same time, sitting by doing nothing is said to be helping and being there but I feel like a failure in doing so. I do not need to be the hero in the lives of others, but I have the need to be a force of positivity. I want to help those I love and care about. Then, and I hate this, my mind races with all I think I've done wrong and how I've failed and how I could be a better person and maybe that'll help the person(s) open up.
Look, I can internalize better than most, but I get how bad that is. I guess that's my drive.And when the person in question is someone I love very dearly, it tears me up even more. I feel hurt, lonely, depressed and a complete and utter failure. If I don't try and be there, then I get mad and angry at myself. Then it turns into a destructive force in other areas of my life.
I just wish I felt as if I where trusted by this person. I like to think I am and I have to remind myself as to how far they have internalized everything. But then I feel again and these emotions override my rationality. Like I've said, I feel too much and deeply. But it's part of who I am and what I am...so goes the struggle.
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