Fuck you

OK, this one's been building. It started as just directionless stress and pisstivity, but then I got something to focus it on and then the valves turned and opened.

I can't fucking stand stupid little shitfuckcunts who act as if they are better than you. I got this friend who is of the opinion that my blog is bullshit. Plain and simple. That this is some lie or falsehood that I put out to make people think something is true when it isn't. Fuck that. I've always said that my blog postings are my way to vent out what builds up. This is a fucking place for me to let go, no limits or restraints. No holding back. This is the best form of therapy. It's cathartic. It's my Temple, in a way. A place for me to balance out the shitty and the good.

Guess some folks just can't handle that.

I had posted on Facebook that I wanted to rant on here, but had no inspiration. So, this friend takes this to mean that this is all bullshit. Really? Like you've never been mad, but had nothing to focus it on just to get it out? Yeah, cuz you're somehow fucking perfect like that. Fuck you!

I can't stand when people have to have this opinion of themselves that they are somehow better than someone and that they are always right because of it. I know for a fucking fact that I'm not better than anyone. Sure, I consider myself more evolved, but not better. I'm just as fucked up as everyone else. The difference is that I know it, acknowledge it and say it out loud for people to hear it. Or read it in this case.

And this friend has this opinion that she's better, in some way or another, and that she's always right about it. When in reality, she's no better than the people she looks down at. Hell, most times, she's worse. She's the ultimate hoosier, but I don't think she sees it that way. She acts like a wild woman at times but then can turn around and talk shit about someone because of a fault of theirs.

You think this is fake and bullshit? Fine. Fuck you. I think you think too highly of yourself and should be brought down a few levels. Til then, kiss my ass and fuck off.

I gotta get some more shit out. You knew it was gonna happen.

So, today I posted on my Facebook wall: "...has come to the conclusion I'm no longer wanted. Not by my Hubby, but by others in my life, friends and those I'm cool with. I'm cool with that. Just gotta find new people is all. Taking time away to get my own backyard in order backfired it seems. Guess people forget you after a while."

I've kinda became a hermit due to the fact that I had shit to take care of. A lot of personal stuff to sort out and get myself and my life in order. Yeah, not happy about it but it needed to get done. In that time, I haven't seen my friends all that much. It sucks. But still, it had to be done.

So now, I'm wanting to get out more, so I don't get into a lifestyle of being a hermit. Don't like sitting around not doing anything. Never have. But in all the time I've been in Hermit Mode, I've still stayed in contact with people. However, the reverse isn't always true. And here today on Facebook, I see friends planning stuff and I'm not called. So I got pissed, felt hurt and felt slightly depressed.

I get friends will do stuff that doesn't include everyone. That's how it works. But for some reason, I just felt like nothing to these people. I don't know why. Maybe it's the fact that I've been absent a lot. Who knows? But I still felt ignored. I'd like to think that's valid.

Here's the thing. Even a call to see if I can make it is nice and, in my opinion, respectful. I admit I have a real bad habit of not calling people or calling them back. But there's e-mail and Facebook. E-mail is a sticking point for me cuz some friends seem to have this habit of sending out ideas for stuff to do on the day they want to do it. I don't check my e-mail at work since I don't have access to the net or my own computer to use. When I end up getting home, it's too late. This usually happens on Friday's. There's no prior notice or even a text on my phone to give me an alternative heads up. So more times than not, how can I go out? If I don't think there's plans, I'll make my own with someone else or The Hubby. Can you really blame me?

So I've been a hermit. How does that equate to me becoming ignored? Well, if that's the case, I guess it's time to find new people. Sorry I'm not there every weekend. Sorry I'm not available all the time. And I'm sorry that no one can seem to contact The Hubby when plans are coming together.

That's another thing.

My friends don't seem too thrilled about my man. Yeah, he's got his shortcomings. Who doesn't? But I'm sick of people always coming down on him and then wondering why he doesn't come around.

Sure, I got issues with people that friends date, but if they are happy with them, so be it. I have to live with it and make the best of it. There are times that you have to step in and make your opinion known. It happens. Otherwise, deal with it.

I'm sorry you don't like, or can't stand, the person I want to be with. He makes me happy and fulfills me in a way no one else has. He's annoying at times. He can push my buttons. But he is the ONLY one who can make me laugh at ANY time. No matter my mood. I value that like nothing else. I love him and have worked for 10 years to have a stable, happy and loving relationship with him. It's been rough, hard and tiresome. But we've done it. I look forward to going to bed with him and waking up in the morning and seeing him.

Ten fucking years together! That's longer than most celeBRATies relationships...or careers. And there are times I don't think that my friends respect that. That what we have isn't worth their respect due to their feelings toward my man. Sorry he annoys you and that he bothers you or does something you don't like. Fucking grow a backbone and deal with it! Stand the hell up and talk to him about it instead of coming to me about it and expecting me to deal with it all the fucking time!!!

Ya know, this job in Rochester looks better and better. New place, new friends. Maybe they won't be a bunch of cuntass bitchy fuckin' assholes. If you haven't noticed, I'm sick of it. Maybe that's why I'm not getting called anymore. Or why I don't call or come around as much. Yeah, had my shit to get together, but there may be other motivations under the surface.

I can't do this anymore. If you have issues with The Hubby, call him. I know you got his number. Stand up, deal with it. Or stay seated and SHUT THE FUCK UP! Either way, the ball is in your court. It's all on you to do something. If you don't, then it's apparent that you enjoy the stress/drama of the situation.

I'm fucking done with the stupid shit. I'm done with people. I'm done with shitfuckcunts who wear masks all the time. I'm done trying to figure out what it is I did (blame my Mom for that one). I'm done being a doormat or that idiot loser who waits by the phone. I'm just fucking done with it all.

Stand up, speak out/up and do something about it. Or just stay fucking seated, shut the fucking hell up and learn to either deal with it or move the hell out of my life. I'm not going to have my relationship strained or damaged because you are too weak willed or non-confrontational. If my relationship is going to be damaged in any way, then I'm the one who's gonna be doing the fucking damage!

Fucking shitfuckcunt assholes. I'm sick of this bullshit stress...

It's coming

I've got a fucking rant building. Be ready you cunts, I'm close.

...it's just like sex...

Change of mind...

So, as you all know, I'm in the position of collaring someone I've been chasing after for 2 years. Well a friend, who's a Dom Transman, gave me his two cents. What he had to say put some doubt in my mind, and it seems a healthy amount. No doubt can be dangerous. And I will say that I won't list those on here, nor all the details of this collaring business. I may be a lot of things, but to just blatantly throw out personal shit on someone isn't one of them...unless they are my enemy, then it's a no rules game of war.

Evil cunt, I know.

Well, with this new sense of doubt, I asked another friend, a Dom Lesbian, to give me her blunt opinion. And she voiced a similar concern. She also voiced a moral one based on our Pagan beliefs and I found that I can't argue with that, considering the finer details of all this. And as much as I discard morals and ethics in most cases, I can't in this one. My conscience won't let me.

That damn thing gets in the way sometimes.

But this isn't one of those times. And I can't go and have someone I want, who is basically offering themselves to me, and have this moral issue nagging at me. The Wiccan Rede states "Do as you will, yet harm none." And if I go through with this, there's too great a risk someone involved will be harmed. I can't allow that to happen. For what few/little morals and ethics I do have, I can't violate that tenant.

My feelings may be deep for this guy, but that can't blind me to do what is right. I don't love him, at least I don't think so. I have deep feelings, to be sure. But this isn't love, much as I'd like it to be. And I can't allow my wants and desires to hurt anyone.

So I can't collar him. And, Gods, I want to. But I can't. And it is so fucking weird. I finally have what I want in my hands, but now I have to let it go. I waited two years only to find that, in the end, my morals and ethics won't allow it to happen.

And as much as this hurts and as much as I want to cry, scream, throw and break something, it is the right thing to do. And at least I'll be at peace that I did what was right by me. And that matters most to me. It'll hurt. It'll take a minute to get over it. But it's right. I just wish that circumstances had turned out differently.

My July 4th weekend

So you remember that issue from the last post? Well, the friend who wanted me to drop the other friend and I ended up dropping both? Well, the one who started it all came over Saturday night and we had it out, talk wise. No fight or anything like that. And he's now back on my list on Facebook. It was a good talk, a really good talk. All is well.

However, the best part of this weekend was that I got to go see The B-52s for free at Fair St. Louis, under The Gateway Arch and I also got free seating in the VIP section! I know, I rock. But while I was getting a drink before the show, I ran into a friend I haven't seen in about two or three years. So not only did I get to reconnect with someone, in real life, but we also got to rock out to one of the best groups ever!

The B-52s started out with 'Private Idaho' and ended with 'Rock Lobster', but when they did 'Love Shack' everyone there stood up, danced and partied! It was great and I can't wait to see them again, cuz I'm obsessed like that. Love my B's!!! They are amazing live and they are up there having fun and just doing what they love. It was also cool cuz next to where I was sitting, in the isle was a, for lack of a better term, Ska Mosh Pit. Only at a B-52 concert. Love it!

And under The Arch for free? With a wicked firework display right after they got off the stage? Was the best Fourth of July thus far!!!

Pushed into a corner isn't good for your health

So while with the Hubby today, I get a call from a friend. Not that this is a unique thing, it happens. However the call I got upset me and put me into an awkward position, at the time.

This call was because this friend of mine has an issue with who my e-friends are on Facebook, one person in particular. These two have a history, to say the least. I understand wanting to cut all ties with a person, especially if it ended badly, I do. I've been there. Yet on the opposite side of the coin, I don't expect people I know to stop being cool with someone I've had dealings with and then those deals went south.

And so, this friend seemed to want me to agree to de-friend this other person. I ain't cool with that. I felt as if I was being pushed into an answer that I wasn't either wanting, ready or willing to make. And I have a rule I live by, no matter what the relationship I have with a person is. That rule is that I will not pick a side in another person's fight or disagreement. The minute someone does ask me, I pick the side that didn't ask. Why, you may ask? Because the side that didn't ask was not only being the bigger and better person, but also the true friend, provided we are friends. If not, they may have just gained one.

Well, in this instance, I couldn't do that. So I had to have an alternative and after much thinking, I figured it out. I dropped both people. I had no other, to me, reasonable choice.

Now there is drama associated with these two people. About 18 months ago, maybe even two years, there was an eruption of drama. I stayed well away from it, it ended up involving three groups of people I know who all had ties to these two. I did get pulled into it but shut that shit down faster than a Repuklicunt denying a same-sex affair before the proof gets out. And since then, all was drama free in my life. Til today.

So, yeah. Maybe not the best move in de-friending both people. However, I wasn't in the best position to make a better choice. And I don't really enjoy feeling pushed into a decision like that nor do I enjoy being asked to pick a side in another person's bulldrek. And frankly, as of right now, my faith and trust in the one doing the pseudo-asking, a.k.a. pushing for an answer, has been shaken. I'm not even sure that right now I can be around said person. And that affects/effects the friendship with at least two people.

I am very upset and hurt. If you are my friend, either in real life or in cyber space, it is not your call who I should or shouldn't be friends with. I get other people being concerned and wanting to talk. That's only fair. However, the same rules apply if you think you should try and talk me out of being cool or friends, or even e-friends, with someone due to an association or because someone you're cool with is upset. I think it's great that you have such loyalty, I do. But stay out of it. I learned a long time ago to keep out and let people work it out in whatever way is best for them. Getting involved only gets you hurt and may even cost you a valued friendship.

So now I have to see how the dust is going to settle. I got someone wanting me to call them and talk about this, who I'm sure is going to side with the friend who called me. However, I am not gonna call. I made up my mind and have set in place my decision. So as my dust settles, you all can watch and see how it plays out.

I am a 30 year old gay man who has been done with drama since I was 26. I don't need this and you most certainly don't want me to go there. If you have the problem, deal with it or don't. But do not pull me into your drama or issue because of who I choose to associate with. Let them burn me. Sure, that may open me up to an 'I told you so', but that's my choice. I'll have to live with it, not you.

Hell, there's a guy I know that several people have told me to not be cool with because of their dealings. But guess what? I'm still cool with him and he hasn't burned me. Have I been burned before? Yes. But I have this mindset to give people chances until they fuck me over, not when they fuck you over.

But, I will say that there are times when you do have to side with your friends over something. But that's in extreme cases with crazy ass people or really mean, evil cunts who are out just to fuck with as many people as they can. However, those times are so public and eruptive that it consumes everyone involved so you can't help but be part of it.

This isn't one of those times. As far as I'm concerned, it is a "he said, she said" situation because I wasn't involved nor saw what happened. And my fat faggoty ass is staying out of it. That's why I dropped both.