Change of mind...

So, as you all know, I'm in the position of collaring someone I've been chasing after for 2 years. Well a friend, who's a Dom Transman, gave me his two cents. What he had to say put some doubt in my mind, and it seems a healthy amount. No doubt can be dangerous. And I will say that I won't list those on here, nor all the details of this collaring business. I may be a lot of things, but to just blatantly throw out personal shit on someone isn't one of them...unless they are my enemy, then it's a no rules game of war.

Evil cunt, I know.

Well, with this new sense of doubt, I asked another friend, a Dom Lesbian, to give me her blunt opinion. And she voiced a similar concern. She also voiced a moral one based on our Pagan beliefs and I found that I can't argue with that, considering the finer details of all this. And as much as I discard morals and ethics in most cases, I can't in this one. My conscience won't let me.

That damn thing gets in the way sometimes.

But this isn't one of those times. And I can't go and have someone I want, who is basically offering themselves to me, and have this moral issue nagging at me. The Wiccan Rede states "Do as you will, yet harm none." And if I go through with this, there's too great a risk someone involved will be harmed. I can't allow that to happen. For what few/little morals and ethics I do have, I can't violate that tenant.

My feelings may be deep for this guy, but that can't blind me to do what is right. I don't love him, at least I don't think so. I have deep feelings, to be sure. But this isn't love, much as I'd like it to be. And I can't allow my wants and desires to hurt anyone.

So I can't collar him. And, Gods, I want to. But I can't. And it is so fucking weird. I finally have what I want in my hands, but now I have to let it go. I waited two years only to find that, in the end, my morals and ethics won't allow it to happen.

And as much as this hurts and as much as I want to cry, scream, throw and break something, it is the right thing to do. And at least I'll be at peace that I did what was right by me. And that matters most to me. It'll hurt. It'll take a minute to get over it. But it's right. I just wish that circumstances had turned out differently.

My July 4th weekend

So you remember that issue from the last post? Well, the friend who wanted me to drop the other friend and I ended up dropping both? Well, the one who started it all came over Saturday night and we had it out, talk wise. No fight or anything like that. And he's now back on my list on Facebook. It was a good talk, a really good talk. All is well.

However, the best part of this weekend was that I got to go see The B-52s for free at Fair St. Louis, under The Gateway Arch and I also got free seating in the VIP section! I know, I rock. But while I was getting a drink before the show, I ran into a friend I haven't seen in about two or three years. So not only did I get to reconnect with someone, in real life, but we also got to rock out to one of the best groups ever!

The B-52s started out with 'Private Idaho' and ended with 'Rock Lobster', but when they did 'Love Shack' everyone there stood up, danced and partied! It was great and I can't wait to see them again, cuz I'm obsessed like that. Love my B's!!! They are amazing live and they are up there having fun and just doing what they love. It was also cool cuz next to where I was sitting, in the isle was a, for lack of a better term, Ska Mosh Pit. Only at a B-52 concert. Love it!

And under The Arch for free? With a wicked firework display right after they got off the stage? Was the best Fourth of July thus far!!!

Pushed into a corner isn't good for your health

So while with the Hubby today, I get a call from a friend. Not that this is a unique thing, it happens. However the call I got upset me and put me into an awkward position, at the time.

This call was because this friend of mine has an issue with who my e-friends are on Facebook, one person in particular. These two have a history, to say the least. I understand wanting to cut all ties with a person, especially if it ended badly, I do. I've been there. Yet on the opposite side of the coin, I don't expect people I know to stop being cool with someone I've had dealings with and then those deals went south.

And so, this friend seemed to want me to agree to de-friend this other person. I ain't cool with that. I felt as if I was being pushed into an answer that I wasn't either wanting, ready or willing to make. And I have a rule I live by, no matter what the relationship I have with a person is. That rule is that I will not pick a side in another person's fight or disagreement. The minute someone does ask me, I pick the side that didn't ask. Why, you may ask? Because the side that didn't ask was not only being the bigger and better person, but also the true friend, provided we are friends. If not, they may have just gained one.

Well, in this instance, I couldn't do that. So I had to have an alternative and after much thinking, I figured it out. I dropped both people. I had no other, to me, reasonable choice.

Now there is drama associated with these two people. About 18 months ago, maybe even two years, there was an eruption of drama. I stayed well away from it, it ended up involving three groups of people I know who all had ties to these two. I did get pulled into it but shut that shit down faster than a Repuklicunt denying a same-sex affair before the proof gets out. And since then, all was drama free in my life. Til today.

So, yeah. Maybe not the best move in de-friending both people. However, I wasn't in the best position to make a better choice. And I don't really enjoy feeling pushed into a decision like that nor do I enjoy being asked to pick a side in another person's bulldrek. And frankly, as of right now, my faith and trust in the one doing the pseudo-asking, a.k.a. pushing for an answer, has been shaken. I'm not even sure that right now I can be around said person. And that affects/effects the friendship with at least two people.

I am very upset and hurt. If you are my friend, either in real life or in cyber space, it is not your call who I should or shouldn't be friends with. I get other people being concerned and wanting to talk. That's only fair. However, the same rules apply if you think you should try and talk me out of being cool or friends, or even e-friends, with someone due to an association or because someone you're cool with is upset. I think it's great that you have such loyalty, I do. But stay out of it. I learned a long time ago to keep out and let people work it out in whatever way is best for them. Getting involved only gets you hurt and may even cost you a valued friendship.

So now I have to see how the dust is going to settle. I got someone wanting me to call them and talk about this, who I'm sure is going to side with the friend who called me. However, I am not gonna call. I made up my mind and have set in place my decision. So as my dust settles, you all can watch and see how it plays out.

I am a 30 year old gay man who has been done with drama since I was 26. I don't need this and you most certainly don't want me to go there. If you have the problem, deal with it or don't. But do not pull me into your drama or issue because of who I choose to associate with. Let them burn me. Sure, that may open me up to an 'I told you so', but that's my choice. I'll have to live with it, not you.

Hell, there's a guy I know that several people have told me to not be cool with because of their dealings. But guess what? I'm still cool with him and he hasn't burned me. Have I been burned before? Yes. But I have this mindset to give people chances until they fuck me over, not when they fuck you over.

But, I will say that there are times when you do have to side with your friends over something. But that's in extreme cases with crazy ass people or really mean, evil cunts who are out just to fuck with as many people as they can. However, those times are so public and eruptive that it consumes everyone involved so you can't help but be part of it.

This isn't one of those times. As far as I'm concerned, it is a "he said, she said" situation because I wasn't involved nor saw what happened. And my fat faggoty ass is staying out of it. That's why I dropped both.

No fucking hate you cunts!

http://www.noh8campaign.com/

So I frequent the NOH8 site to keep up on pics and info. The vid that was posted is well done and crosses a lot of communication methods.

http://www.noh8campaign.com/video/noh8-campaign-psa-3-i-am-human

However, upon going through some of the pics done, I laughed my ass off when i saw one. It's of the actor who played the original Blue Power Ranger. Yes, I know how dorky that makes me look. I used to watch it with my brother, who's ten years younger than me. It was a bonding time. Anyway, I had a total crush on this guy, David Yost. He was the dorky nerd and I thought he was hot. So yeah, this fag is a major dork.

Gods damnit all!/Did that just happen?

OK, first off. Remember that shit I was flushing? Needed a plunger apparently.

So. Happy fucking Pride to all those fags and dyke's reading this in St. Louis. This year has been better than last year since The Fence didn't return. However, in going 'green' the Pride Committee burned the vendors. No vendor apps snail mailed out and a late snail mailing of the on-line application notification. Long story that ends with late fees not being waved since the PR and Marketing Pride did sucked. So, half the vendors at best. Dumbasses, but it's St. Louis.

Also. It's fucking hot and this fat fag is staying inside in the AC like a spoiled bitch! The Christians showed back up with their 'free' water, free equals you getting a paper explaining how they can help 'pray the gay away'. Whatever. I really hate those people. Not for protesting, I support that constitutional rights but for being hypocrites and anti-Christs.

Jesus would march with the fags.

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So besides all that bulldren, your wonderful Irate Wiccan Faggot had something happen last night that made me stop in my tracks and move me to speechlessness. Tis a rare thing for me.

So, as most people know, I'm in an open relationship with my kickass Hubby. He's Bi and that's what originally opened it up, since I just can't provide for him in all ways, sexually speaking. As long as nothing gets brought home and he don't get women pregnant, then I'm cool. However, permission must be asked. So it isn't a free-for-all.

So to go with that, I've been pursuing a guy for a while, longer than I usually do or would. Reason being is that he stirs the same intense feelings in me that Hubby did and still does. I couldn't ignore that. And I firmly believe that you can love more than one person, intimately, at once.

So, I haven't seen this guy in a while, I know he's got a life and his own shit to flush. There's some stuff to this that I just won't post or blog about out of respect to him, things he's got going on and personal drek. Yet, I got to see him last night, which was nice. I do consider him a friend and it's always nice to see friends. And we've been in the other's orbit for a while. Not moving close but not moving away either. Feelings seem/are mutual, it's just that I don't know how much. I'm getting to the 'why' that people are asking themselves.

So here's the kicker, he's into BDSM and wears a collar. If you know what that means, cool. If not, don't assume shit and move on. Frakkin' cunts.

So, last night. Yeah...last night. OK.

He tells me that he's been 'freed' by his handlers and is a "free agent". I was surprised, I know all about what he's into and how committed he is to it. It's safe, sane and consensual. I support it, it makes him happy. Only fair. So anyway. He does something that stops me cold, something I've never seen him do, nor expected I'd ever see. He takes off his collar. Mind you, in the two years I've known him, he has never done this, never. I've always seen him with it on!

This shock was followed by a bigger one. He hands me the collar.

Now, my first thought is that he's gonna tell me to put it on. Fine. I'm cool with that and so's the Hubby. We've talked about several possibilities concerning this guy. All is cool. However, I'm not asked to put it on. Instead, he tells me to "hold it and return it to me when you're ready".

I told him not to give me such a basic instruction like that, I need details. I'm an OCD detail whore. I'm not good with vague. Never have been, it's the easiest way to loose me when trying to explain anything.

He then tells me to "return it when you're ready to claim me".

O_o

WHAT?!?! Seriously?!

I couldn't respond to that, didn't know how to! I had to talk with my fag hag, who's a Dominatrix. She explained a lot and helped.

See, here's the thing. I'm just now starting to realize all the things I'm into, sexually. I'm just starting to get the courage to explore these kinks. In other words, I got no XP! And here I am getting thrown into a scene without a net!

When I recovered enough for words, I told him that he's gonna have to explain things to me first. Crash course, oh it's coming. And what scares me is not the scene, I'm cool with it. What scares me is the lack of XP and that I might like it.

And that's a really big thing, especially in Puritan Middle America. You're taught, directly or indirectly, that you should be ashamed of your sexuality. I've been fighting that bulldrek program for years. And I get that now is another chance to do more deletions, but it's still scary.

But I don't shrink from a challenge. I'm gonna go into this full force, mistakes be damned. I'm gonna learn. I will do my best not to be embarrassed or shy about it. As long as it's safe, sane and consensual. Now I just gotta talk to the Hubby when he gets home from his trip to Rochester, NY.

Fun.